When You Gonna Learn
by Yuki Scorpio
Summary: [COMPLETE][Weiss] First person narrative used in alternate chapters. This fic deals with friendship, trust, betrayal, good vs evil, determination, etc etc
1. Prologue

**When You Gonna Learn**

Prologue

Snow.

Soft as feathers, gentle as a whisper, snow was falling. Like tears, falling, covering everything in sight with a fine film of whiteness that could make the most corrupted seem pure. It was as if falling for him, cleansing him with its secret ritual, embracing his with its careless fingers, comforting him, healing him with its gentle touch.

He used to like snow, used to like the winter. But Winter never liked him. It made him want to go home.

That was why he stepped out of his hiding place, into the silent streets with their blinking and buzzing yellow street lamps, and walked home.

He stopped when he passed by _Kitten in the house_ . On the window, one corner lifted by the strong winds, was a piece of paper with Omi's writing on it, thick with an orange marker: '_We now stock cattelyas!_' Underneath, a smaller line of blue writing: '_Come in and take a look!_'

He pressed his forehead onto the window and peered in. The shop was empty of people, as any shop would be at three in the morning. Assisted by the dim moonlight and the street lamps, he could see the cattelyas sitting just next to the cashier's desk. Well they finally did stock those flowers as he had suggested long ago. They wouldn't do it then, saying that they shouldn't just get the flowers because he liked them. Now they got the flowers, and he wondered if that was a sign, a hint. Asking him to go back.

No, it couldn't be. Not after what he had done. His eyes fluttered close, and in the complete darkness of his mind, he could see vividly the look on their faces, the horror, the disappointment, the anger in those three pairs of eyes.

The soft sound of snow being crushed alerted him, and he turned. There, wrapped in grey and red, standing with his back to the light, was his red-haired friend. No, not friend now. Maybe some day they could be friends again, but maybe not.

Aya walked closer, and closer, his grey wool scarf lifted by the ripping wind, his unbuttoned jacket flying open, showing its silver coloured lining, shining, as if warning the young man of Aya's approach.

He was a little relieved when he saw Aya didn't carry his weapon. He armed himself with a wicked smile, though inside the pockets of his jacket, his hands clenched into tight fists when Aya said emotionlessly,

"Traitor."

Then a sudden rage took Aya like fire. His violet eyes flashed silver, and he walked faster, faster, eventually broke into a run, and his fist connected with the other man's jaws.

"KUDOU YOUJI! TRAITOR!!!"

[onto part 1]


	2. Part 1

**When You Gonna Learn**

Part One

Flashing neon lights. A typical night of the city of Tokyo. The people below, smaller than the size of ants, hurried their way to wherever they were heading to as cars lined up in the roads one after the other.

"Youji-kun?"

I was half a beat too slow to answer Omi, and Aya half a beat too quick to shoot me a death look. I knew I was losing concentration again, but... fine, there was no excuse for it. Not a _rational_ one, anyway. But Ken got off tonight, why couldn't I? I didn't think anyone could get that tired playing soccer with some screaming kids. And anyway, Omi and Aya had it all fixed together, they didn't need me here.

I couldn't get what Manx asked me the other night out of my mind. "Whenever you're ready," she said.

What the hell, I didn't want to, but got here anyway. Just walked in behind the two of them as Aya slashed our way through the wall of guards and Omi cracked through the computerised locks on the metal doors. Then stood at the glass walls that let you overlook Ginza. The 42nd floor, how long would it take for someone to hit the ground from here? A few seconds, I suppose.

Damn. I focused on what they were doing before they realise I had drifted off for the second time. They found the maps we wanted, and we took off again.

* * *

"If you've came to give me another lecture, get out. I've been a part for this for longer than you did."

Shouldn't have given him my keys. I didn't look up, just continued taking off the super glue on my fingertips with the dissolver. A security measure in case the gloves fail me. Not that there is a record of my fingerprints in any of the population records.

He didn't answer. I ignored his presence. I pretended to have ignored him.

So I avoided looking up at him. My shoulder brushed against his when I got out of my room. I could feel him following me into the kitchen. The coffee machine just clicked with the crushed beans I mixed inside. I poured two cups of it, took one, left the kitchen, our shoulders touching again.

I heard him take the other cup and saw his shadow stretching out before me.

That cup wasn't poured for him.

The plain royal blue mug sat under my bedside lamp, I sat on my bed, beside the bedside table. He stood, beside my bed, beside me.

When finally I could stand it no more and looked up at him, switching on the little lamp with a cute-sounding 'click', I saw his eyes staring down at me, flashing violet.

"You think any of us will want to pick up your dead body?"

"Then don't."

"Have you been having too much time mucking around with women? Drifting off - "

"What I do in bed matters to you?"

" - like that can get all of us - "

"You can always leave me behind."

"You call that team - ?"

"Don't talk about teamwork with me baby. Who's the one wandering off doing his own things all the time?"

"I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about the two of them. You can get them killed."

I took my eyes off his, picked up my mug and moved it to my lips. He was right. An Irresponsible bastard I was.

"You've won. Now you can go to Disneyland." I blew on the coffee, feeling the steam on my face turning into tiny water droplets. "Try the coffee, I take my pride in it."

He grabbed a chair, sat down and did as he was told. I didn't even know if he liked coffee at all. Couldn't remember seeing him being choosy about anything he eats or drinks. Oh yeah, no red kidney beans. But a lot of people hate them anyway. Only Ken out of the four of us eats those disgusting things. We almost killed him when he got those beans in the salad bar in Pizza Hut. It ended with us picking out the little things and flicking them at him. Yes we did. Imagine Omi, Aya and me throwing food at Ken, in public. From that time on he never got those freaking beans again. But the Ice-cream Factory was still going strong. And the multicoloured flakes are our all time favourite.

Suddenly it didn't seem to matter anymore that he drank from that white Tokyo University mug. It wasn't as if its owner would come and make a fuss about it anyway. Because it looked like he enjoyed my coffee.

But still, I didn't like unexpected night visitors.

"I'd like to sleep. Are you intending to watch?" I striped off my Armani sweater and tossed it at him. "Put it on the chair and put the mug in the sink. Make sure you soak it."

The last thing I wanted was coffee stains in the white mug. Asuka used to tell me off a lot for not doing the washing up. "At least soak it!" She'd say.

When I saw him got up from the chair I buried myself under the bed covers.

"Lock the front door when you're out, Aya."

* * *

And then, it had become some sort of a natural thing to see Aya in my house drinking coffee from _Tokyo University_. Sometimes when I get home, he'd just be there, in my home, sitting in my sofa, drinking my coffee. He was more like a presence in my house, until one raining Thursday night he suddenly studied the mug and asked one question with his usual quietness:

'Are you looking for the owner of this mug?"

I blinked, tapped the ashes off the tip of my cigarette, ran a hand through my slightly damp hair, shrugged. Earned myself five seconds to come up with an answer. "Nope."

"Youji." He gulped down the rest of the caffeine and walked to the open kitchen. "There's only one Tokyo University in the world."

I watched him turn on the tap and wash the mug.

"No matter how hard you try, there is only one. You can't find another Asuka in other women."

I got off my place on the windowsill, ready to throw my mug or my fist at him. I nearly did. Then suddenly I realised that Aya said all this out of friendship. Oh my, Aya and friendship. That almost made me feel nice. As nice as having a cup of hot chocolate in your hand when you are perched on the windowsill, with a blanket around you, on a stormy day.

The equation _"Aya = blanket"_ made me grin. Those pink blankets I saw on sale today with Hello Kitty heads all over them popped into mind. One of those with Aya's face printed all over would be hilarious.

Aya frowned at me.

I withdrew that smirk on my face that Aya had mistaken for not taking him seriously. "Aya, it really isn't what you might think it is. Not even worth thinking about."

I lied.

* * *

Another thirty-seven seconds until 6:25:10pm. I hate waiting.

"Bombay."

"Yeah?"

"Why 6:25:10?"

"The guards change at 6:30. At the end of their slot they'd be tired and waiting to go off-duty."

"I see."

5... 4... 3... 2... 1... 0!

Ken and Aya already ran ahead ten seconds ago to distract the security guards' attention. Omi and I quickly got into the security control room and Omi disabled the systems in less than 2 minutes. I found the tapes that had us captured by CCTV in the last few moments and sacrificed them in the name of Weis. I didn't like being filmed without my permission.

Omi went to join the other two in case of more security problems while I stayed to monitor them. It should be quite easy since we got the map of the building - including the hidden passages - a few weeks ago.

I had a wall of black and white screens in front of me to show me every inch of the building. Why black and white? With the amount of weapons they smuggled in each year, I'm sure they could afford colour TV.

The 3 of them appeared on the screens one by one. I put on the headphone with mouthpiece.

"Siberian, round the corner behind you. Just keep walking. A 300-pound guy about 10 steps from you. Creeping up with a big fat stick. Oh man, that thing is humongous!" I laughed and saw Ken on the screen bit his lip to stop a grin. "Okay, turn around on 3... 3!"

"Siberian turns around! He slashes! The idiot dies! Blood everywhere! Go Siberian!"

Ken on screen 42 looked around, then spotted the camera, frowned at me and switched on his microphone. "Balinese, that was unnecessary."

"Hey thanks Siberian. And I love you too." I laughed harder.

"Cheers." Ken moved onto screen 43, 44... "How're Bombay and Abyssinian?"

"Bombay..." I found the high school student on 23 doing something to a panel of whatever it was. "On the second floor. Hold on his line's coming in. Siberian your floor's all cleared. Talk to you later."

"Balinese!"

"Yes Bombay?"

"They have a back up system for the 7th floor! Abyssinian's going up there and I don't know if I can disable it before he gets there! Tell him!"

Shit! I pressed the button for Aya's line. "Don't go up - "

Aya was on screen 70 already! "Abyssinian!"

The connection between me and Aya was gone.

"Bombay I've been disconnected!"

"They might have signals on the floor to distract our radio waves! Where's he?"

"Beside the lifts and - holy shit! 20 against 1!" I pressed my palm against screen 75. "There's enough to bury him alive!"

"Siberian and I can't go anywhere until I crack this system! It's been activated and we're locked in! You go by the back way on the map!"

Running up seven floors was more warm up than enough.

The signal between me and the others was gone when I reached Aya. He had got rid most of them, there were 6 men left standing. Him and I stood back to back, surrounded by these men. Judging from Aya's state, they were hard to deal with.

I half turned my head and whispered to him. "Only us now. Omi and Ken are trying to get up here."

"These will do anything to finish us." Aya tipped his head towards me slightly.

"Suicidal ones?" Geez I hate that type. They freak me out. "Are you sure?"

That didn't take long to prove. I shuddered when I heard the sound of some thin metal being pulled out. When I turned my head round, I saw the man in front of me had a grim smile on his face and a grenade trigger in his hand. Just. The. Trigger.

_Shit_.

* * *

_A hundred and twenty-two... A hundred and twenty-three..._

I heard the door squeak, got distracted and lost count.

"Youji, you're awake!"

"So are you, Ken!" I grinned, then spotted what Ken had in his hands. "Oh man, not those!"

"They told me to bring something so I got the most handy stuff. But you know I know nothing about floral languages, Omi's the master." Ken handed me the bunch of flowers. "Hope I didn't pick something embarrassing. What do yellow tulips mean?"

"'Hopeless love', my dear. I think it does mean that. Check with Omi later." I tried to reach for the flowers, then realises I couldn't move my arm... I couldn't even feel it. I looked down to make sure my arm was still there, attached to my shoulder. "So where am I?"

Ken busied around me for a while, putting down the flowers, pulling chairs around, and then finally sat down beside me. "Underground hospital. Persia's got it all sorted out, you'll stay here until you can move out yourself."

"I thought I've been caught when I woke up."

"How long have you been awake?"

"About a hundred and twenty something squares before you came in."

"What?"

"I was counting squares on the ceiling. Don't give me that look, I was bored."

"You thought you were caught, then you started counting squares?" Ken's eyes looked like those from that Rurouni Kenshin anime, when that redhead says 'oro?'.

"What else could I do? Take a look at me, bandages, cast, drip, etcetera. I'm practically pinned to the bed. You expect me to plot escape?"

Ken gave a short laugh, got up and dusted himself. "Gotta go back and help out at _Kitten_. Three people doing four people's work... it's like the days before Aya joined, you know."

"How're Aya and Omi?"

"They're fine. I think Aya'll come see you tonight."

The relief I felt was like a weight lifted off from my chest. They were all right.

"Man, when Omi and I found you guys, Aya's screams almost scared the hell out of us. And we thought he was bleeding. Then we noticed this deformed _thing_ on top of him, Christ, it was you, and your blood... we thought you were dead."

"You wished. And thanks for calling me a thing."

* * *

When I woke again, Aya was just about to leave.

"Yo."

He stopped, saw me, and sat back down. He looked at me for a long, long moment, as if he was trying to say something but couldn't. Man, it was like those shounen ai manga that those girls read. I was about to crack a joke to break the silence when he finally spat out the word 'thanks', blushing mildly.

Ha! So what Ken said was true, that Aya blushes when he says 'thanks'. Ken said Aya did the first day he worked at _Kitten_ and got offered breakfast. Aya blushing was, wow, almost cute! The moment of the lifetime!

But it wasn't quite the appropriate time to laugh my head off, so I grinned and gave him a 'you owe me one' expression. He frowned again. He knew I expected nothing from him. I never expected much from any of them. Serious. Perhaps because they're all young people. I didn't feel young anymore after I lost Asuka.

They all had something attached to the world. Omi was still searching, looking for his truth. Ken had soccer. Dreams he was denied the chance to fulfill. I guess that was why he spent so much time with kids, just because kids have every chance in the world to be who they want. And Aya had the obvious, his sister. I had nothing around me.

And this may be the last thing I could do for him and Weiss so...

I had nothing attached to me.

I remembered what Manx asked me.

Either you, or all of us. Think, Youji. Make up your mind.

When I noticed my flowers had already been changed from 'hopeless love' to 'deepest thanks and admiration', I knew what to tell Manx.

"The coffee beans, Aya, they're in the jar on top of my fridge. Take them if you want."

Better start cutting strings...

[onto part 2]


	3. Part 2

**When You Gonna Learn**

Part Two

"I don't understand."

"What I said is, Persia and I have arranged our people to hunt down Kudou Youji. You three are not to be involved in it."

"No." Omi's brows knotted, and he pouted a little as he untied his cream-coloured apron and hung it on the hook next to the door. "I mean I don't understand why Youji-kun did that."

"The question is, Manx," A voice is heard, then Aya appeared from the stairs, wearing black sweater and jeans. "Why can't we do it ourselves?

Omi gasped in surprise. "Aya-kun! You don't mean to - He saved you last time!"

"He betrayed us, he pays for it. Period."

Manx ran a hand through her curls, found a chair to sit down comfortably, then fixed her eyes on Aya's. "One, because you know him well and might not be able to finish him, which might mean us losing you instead. Two, because he worked with you for so long he knows how to overpower you - he has been in Weiß for longer than you did. Don't underestimate him."

Aya wanted to argue back, but he knew he couldn't win. It was true that Youji was skilled with his invisible deadly wires that most of the time even Aya could not see. But so what? He couldn't get away with it. One day or another, Aya would get Youji with his own hands.

Manx seemed to know what the redhead was thinking and gave him a look before she left, saying that she would be here again tomorrow with some information on the next mission. Silently Aya disappeared down the stairs again, leaving Omi alone in the shop. Omi frowned. Nobody wanted to talk about Youji. Aya, Manx, Birman, even Ken would sigh and shake his head, not making a comment.

He remembered how Youji left without saying a word, in the middle of a mission, disrupting their plans, almost costing their lives.

Youji didn't take anything with him. His flat was the way it had always been, the central heating set on timer to turn itself on, his clothes folded in a neat pile on the bed, the mugs on the draining board as if he would come back at any time for a cup of his coffee before going out for a date.

But it had been almost a month that Omi hadn't seen his green-eyed friend. Youji never came back.  


* * *

Target: 'Pope'; real name unknown

Age, sex, race, physical significance: unknown

Additional information: Shirakawa Cooperates

It was the same useless information as he saw last time. Youji clicked a few buttons and let the disk be formatted. Then he took it out, broke it into two halves and trashed it. "Shirakawa. Is this only piece of information confirmed?"

For once, Manx was dressed down and unmade-up so that she didn't catch attention. "That's from the local drug dealers. Don't give me that look Youji, it's the best Birman and I could do for you."

"For Persia." Youji corrected her. He wasn't a pawn, no, but definitely not the king as well. "And I'm not giving you any looks. I had the choice and I chose to do it, is that clear?"

Manx just gave him that usual evil smirk of hers. "You might want to start from the dealers or you can go straight to Shirakawa Cooperates. We'll keep in contact. And remember, you're still working for Weiß." Saying that, she left him in his new hiding place, which consisted the minimum amount of furniture. That meant a bed, a chair, a wardrobe, a sink and a hidden computer.

Manx told him that the mission was completed with Aya and Ken both wounded. "Not fatal" was all that she said.

But it would be enough for them to hate me, I guess. It didn't matter anyway...

They'd be told that Kudou Youji would be hunted by Persia's men. He wondered if Manx would later tell them that he was dead, and what reactions they would have. Would they grieve for him, the teammate who left them in the middle of a mission? Perhaps not. They would probably want to see his body just to make sure that he was dead.

Pushing aside those thoughts, Youji wrote down on a piece of paper what he saw in the flashback today, as usual, to be given to the psychiatrist. He too was another man who worked for Persia and Youji didn't want to make his life difficult by not cooperating. Then he turned on the computer and began making his plans.

* * *

Aya never really liked the taste of coffee. At least not until he drank Youji's special blend. Every time he thought of Youji, he just could not dismiss the feeling of betrayal deep inside. Friends do not run away like that. Friends do not leave him after planning something together. Youji did. That look flashed on Youji's face and the next thing Aya knew was that he saw Youji going away. At first he thought the Balinese was going to use some tact and would come back for him, but no, Youji was just leaving.

But still, he could not totally believe that Youji had left. The same Youji who wrapped himself around Aya to protect the younger man from the grenade he didn't see. Youji saw it, and if he was fast enough he could have dashed for hiding. Yes he was fast enough, but only to throw himself on Aya... would this man really leave his friends and teammates behind like this?

He could not forget what happened. One moment Youji was behind him, the next Youji was on top of him, pressing him down to the carpeted floor amongst the bodies of the people he had slain. He could not see anything, his head was buried in Youji's chest and arms, and then next thing he knew was

BOOM

Heat washed over them. After blanking out for a few seconds, Aya heard the crackling sound of things burning, and a deep, painful moan from the man above him, then silence.

Aya did not know how Youji survived. He was so sure Youji too, would die, like his parents did in the explosion. Then he would spend his life grieving for the friend who sacrificed himself for him to live. He stood beside Youji's bed, watching him fight for his life, but could do nothing to help. Like his sister.

Then after three long weeks, Ken said Youji had came around again. Youji only grinned after Aya said "thanks", as if the broken bones, slashed flesh and burnt skin did not bother him much.

Could this Youji betray them?

* * *

Their little underworld. A room with a big screen, a few sofas, two computers and some junk. Empty cans of soft drinks and beer scattered on the coffee table. Omi picked them up and trashed them before sitting down at the computer. The screen lit up, showing a desktop background of a photo of the four of them together in the Kitten. Some girl took it a month ago and gave them a copy, and how hard did Youji laugh then when Omi wanted to scan it in as the desktop.

It was the only photograph of them. All wearing aprons, Aya had his hands in the pockets, looking uneasy with Youji's arm draped over his shoulder. Youji's other hand was on Ken's shoulder. Ken was winking, the fingers of a hand curled into the shape of a gun, pointing straight at the camera, and the other hand pressing down on Omi's head.

"Omi, is that you?"

For a second, the blonde-haired young man thought Youji had came back. The he realised it was Ken's voice, and he quickly opened a programme to cover up the desktop image. "Yeah, Ken-kun."

"What're you doing so late?" Ken stood behind Omi and saw the picture because the programme started too slowly. "... I'm fine with it, just don't let Aya see it or he'd smash the computer." His hand moved over and minimised the programme so that he could see the picture again.

"Ken-kun... do you think Youji-kun betrayed us? Aya-kun said he did."

"I don't know. Youji didn't do anything. He just... left without a word."

Ken sighed. They could talk about it now because Aya was not around. Aya got mad every time they mentioned Youji's name, calling Youji the traitor that almost got everyone killed.

"But... you know, he isn't really the irresponsible one he seems to look like. He might have gone out with many girls but never two-timed any of them... he might get up just 15 minutes before the shop opens but he's never late... and I remember in our 'eagle' mission..."

Omi smiled. "Yeah, things weren't going right so you said let's drop Plan A and go for Plan B."

"'Sure Ken, let's go for that one. What's Plan B?'" Ken quoted and laughed softly. A laughter that made the room seem even more silent.

"And in the end he did know what Plan B was, he memorised it better than any of us did. The rest of us never thought we would need to use Plan B."

"He almost got himself killed saving Aya-kun last time too......"

"Omi?"

"... This may sound really corny, but I miss Youji-kun."

"... Me too."

"Do you think he'll come back?"

"I thought he would. I wanted to think that he was away doing something that can't involve us, but it's been over a month and..."

"Maybe he's got a reason." Omi straightened up on his chair and opened the programme window. Youji's smiling face disappeared from his sight, replaced by line and lines of flashing words and numbers. He had to hold on to that belief. Youji, the friend, the brother, the teacher, could not have turned his back on them. He could not have. "Yes, Youji-kun must have a very good reason to leave us like this."

"Let's hope so."

* * *

Aya poured more coffee from the machine into his mug whilst keeping an eye on the frying pan to make sure nothing gets burnt.

"Aya-kun, are you cooking?" There was a knock on the door, and Omi's voice came through.

"Um. Come in."

"Cool! Let's have dinner together." After some fumbling with keys, Omi got in with a rice cooker in his hand. "Having only one dish is just too dull. We can share things heh?"

"Move Omi! My hands are burning!" Ken complained, appearing behind Omi with two covered dishes.

"Well you should've worn your mitts!"

"I don't have any!"

"Of course you do!"

"... They aren't mitts!"

"They double up as mitts... oh," Realising that Aya hadn't said anything, Omi asked, "Aya-kun, do you mind if we eat here?"

"No."

Although he never said it, Aya enjoyed having a bit of liveliness in the apartment. At least he did not feel so dead when the younger ones were around. And yes having three different dishes would be a lot better than just having one. He usually couldn't be bothered to cook more than one dish if it was just for himself. But as Omi said, it was dull to only have one dish with rice.

The whole place looked more homely with more food and more people eating it. Living on his own made the apartment not a home but just a place to stay, even with Ken next door and Omi downstairs. He once considered suggesting that they move into a larger place together, but it sounded so dumb for him to say that, so he never asked. Ken and Omi were grown ups - _must remember that they are adults_ - who had friends beside those from Weiß, there was no reason for them to want to share a home with other people.

_They aren't like me..._

"Aya, your whole place smells of coffee." Ken smiled when Aya put down his mug on the dining table. He noticed that it was Youji's coffee machine in the kitchenette, and the smell was Youji's unique blend. Perhaps Aya was not that angry at their emerald-eyed friend afterall. "You aren't planning to drink it during dinner are you?"

"Youji-kun's coffee!" Omi hopped off his chair and got himself a mug as well. Then he realised he mentioned the name and winced, expecting Aya to snap.

Aya flinched once but did not say anything.

"Coffee doesn't go with rice! You two are disgusting!"

"Talking about disgusting, I hope you didn't cook anything with red kidney beans, KenKen." A smile flash across Aya's lips, then he lifted the covers and breathed an exaggerated sigh of relief.

"Don't call me that!"

"Okay, we won't call you KenKen then, KenKen."

Ken blushed a mild red and ignored Aya. Omi smiled at the scene, wishing in his heart that Youji would be here right now eating and laughing with them. He wondered what Youji was up to. Hiding somewhere, perhaps. Hopefully Persia's men had not found him yet, otherwise...

Omi almost went cold. Was there any way to talk Persia out of hunting down Youji?

He must do something. He didn't think Youji would do anything against them, even if he left Weiß. He must convince Persia of this.

[onto part 3]


	4. Part 3

**When You Gonna Learn**

Part Three

"Youji-kun?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I know it's not exactly how you'd want to spend your day but do you think you can do my slot tomorrow? It's sports day and I'm doing the 1500m. They'd all kill me if I don't turn up coz none of them would do it and - "

"Okay." I shrugged.

Omi's already big eyes went even bigger. He stepped up to me and reached up for my forehead. "Did you just say you'd take my slot, even before I finished my pleading?"

Even Aya turned around to look at me and asked in that quiet voice of his, "Are you feeling alright?"

I rolled my eyes and sighed. So my reputation was that bad, heh? But I didn't remember not helping any of them if they had a very good reason. It just seemed that I always try to get off as much as I could, but really, I never did that. It was the whole 'Kudou Youji' thing, with the wavy hair and green eyes and careless talk that gave them the impression.

I didn't mind that much. If that was the way they saw me, there was nothing I could do about it. I was going to tell Omi to ask earlier next time if he wanted my help, but then suddenly I realised it was perhaps the last time he asked a favour from me. Never mind then.

Was I getting sentimental? No idea, but I was born a sensitive person, that was for sure, though I never acted like one. And I never make false promises if I could help it. So when Aya told us to remind him to pick up his car from the repairs next week, I didn't make a reply.

"Oi! Open up!" Ken started pounding on the metal door the moment I dragged it down. "Don't slam the thing in my face!"

I ignored Ken and let Omi let Ken in. "You should carry your keys with you, Ken-kun."

"Yeah." Ken took off his motorbike helmet and strolled in. "Anyone fancy pizza tonight?"

"No money. I just paid for school last week." Omi pouted. School, was it necessary for him? Did he ever see that he would stay with Weiß the rest of his life because there was no way to get out of it? School was probably just a place to make him feel like a part of the common people. The common people we all wanted to be.

"Weeellllll, we can ask the people who are rich enough to own cars to pay." Ken replied quickly, looking at Aya and I.

Aya quickly shook his head. "I just sent it in for maintenance, my wallet's gone anorexic as well."

Then all the gazes fell on me.

"I'd at most pay half." If I offered to pay for all of them they'd really notice something wrong with me. "You guys manage the rest."

An hour or two later, we were all sitting at Pizza Hut, telling Ken not to get red kidney beans from the salad bar. Poor Ken. He was just too... gentle with people. It wasn't as if a few beans would kill us, I mean we could always just pick them out. But Ken, being the nice one, just nodded a few times and got out of his seat.

"Are we being really mean?" Omi asked when Ken got around to the salad bar. "He probably wants to eat beans."

"Nope." I dug out my packet of cigarettes from my pocket and then remembered that we were in the no smoking area. "He's old enough to know how to get what he wants."

And to take care of himself too. I should stop worrying about them. It wasn't like I was ever that important to them. They could all take care of themselves and carry on with assignments easily.

"What about going to the movies tonight?" Ken came back with a bowl full of salad, the sides lined with sliced cucumbers so that he could put more in. Only he could do that. His bowl of salad was much larger than the ones on other people's tables. That was why we always only ordered one salad when there were four people to eat it.

"Ken-kun, you're coming up with great things tonight, but let me emphasise one thing: I. Have. No. Money!"

The subject was dropped until we started getting ice-creams. Ken began talking about the movie posters he saw that day and Omi almost started whining.

Aya sighed. "It's all your fault, Ken, that I have to listen to Omi's whines for the rest of the week."

Alright alright... I got the message... "Look Omi, I'll pay for you, and you can pay me back later if you feel like it, okay?"

Ken almost fell off his chair. Clumsily he dragged his seat away from Omi next to him. "As far as I know, Youji only pays for women to dinner and movies. Omi you... and Youji..." And he started laughing.

Before Omi could fire back, I replied, wrapping my arms around Aya, "Ken, what are you talking about? You know I've always loved Aya and will love only him!"

Then Aya turned his face to me, and said with a half longing tone right at my ear, "Youji..."

I hopped back to my seat when I saw him reach for his table knife. That was close.

Omi and Ken's laughter made everyone in the restaurant look at our table, but we didn't quite care. Even Aya smirked and chuckled a bit. The joyous sounds they made rang in my ears and I imprinted this moment into my memory, because I knew I would need it in the future, when I am no longer with these three friends whom I love with every part of my soul.

It was, afterall, our Last Supper together.

* * *

"Must go back, gotta wake up early for sports day tomorrow."

"You're just next door anyway, stay here."

"Yeah, but I've got _homework_ to do." Omi stood up from the sofa, stretched out and left.

I pounded on the wall, shouted, "Oi! Bring your computer and work here!" and got a muffed "alright" through the walls as a reply.

Where would Weiß be without Omi? He was so efficient - he had hacked in and deleted Ran Fujimiya from every national record in one night, wiping off his existence. There seemed to be this endless stream of _homework_ he needed to do plus his normal school work. I never knew how he managed his time.

After a while longer Ken announced he was going back downstairs because he had to do the morning slot tomorrow, and I kept him in saying that I was doing it too and nobody was to leave my place tonight.

"Youji-kun, you're really strange tonight." Omi got back with his notebook computer. "Don't you think, Aya-kun?"

"What's up with you?" Aya finally asked, setting down the Tokyo University mug that had almost became his official mug.

It'd be dumb to try to give an intelligent answer. "Can't bear a lonely night."

When Ken suggested that I should've rang up some girl for a date, I just laughed it off.

They were just sitting there, doing their own things - Omi working on the computer; Ken going through my CD collection, Aya reading my car magazines. I felt so much more at peace with them here. I didn't want to think about what would happen tomorrow, didn't want to feel _scared_. The feeling of fright was like poison, it spreads with the blood until every cell in the body is contaminated by the horror. It would weaken me before tomorrow begins.

Yes I chose to do it, but it was for them. Persia's idea was the best solution, better than the whole of Weiß plunging their heads into the unknown. I, the eldest of us, with no ties to the world, the one who had been a private detective. Let me step into it, let me find out first, test out the dangers, give Weiß the information... and then, who knows, perhaps one day, Aya, Ken, Omi, we can work together again.

If Kudou Youji still lives.

* * *

"Abyssinian, Balinese, positioned yet?"

"Abyssinian in, Balinese not yet. One floor to go." I hopped up the last flight of stairs, trying to catch up with Aya ahead of me.

My physical strength had somewhat deteriorated since my last mission, but none of them knew. They didn't even know that some of my so-called 'dates' were appointments with Persia's doctors, simply because I didn't tell them. I did everything I could to avoid exposing my body to them. I didn't want to be seen as the weaker, or as a hero who fights to overcome a weakness. I just wanted to be an equal to them. The doctors had assured me that my fitness would come back... it'd take a year or two to fully recover, probably more than that....

"Report back when you're ready."

"I'm there Bombay."

The construction helmets conveniently hid our faces as Aya and I walked amongst the crowd of workers. The man had already arrived to inspect the completion of his building. The mission was simple: once Omi signaled that everything was ready, Aya and I attack the man, distract the attention, and let Ken finish the job, then we sneak out. It was supposed to work that way.

_BOOM_

_The man with his smile. The trigger in his hand. Turn around. Scream Aya's name. Get my red-haired friend down on the ground. Don't let him get hurt. Heat. Fire. Pain. Darkness._

"Balinese!"

I jumped at the sound of Omi's shout in my ear. The mild explosion in the floor above was our signal and Aya had already made his entrance whilst some of the guards went upstairs to investigate. I dismissed the slide show images in my head, telling myself that it wasn't that grenade that I heard, and ran towards our lucky target of tonight.

When I passed by the emergency exit, I stopped.

"What are you doing?" Ken had ran in and taken my place, trying to help Aya who was already involved in a heavy battle against the body guards. His claws thrashed out, bringing down a six foot tall man in front of him. "Balinese, can you hear me?"

"Balinese, where're you going?!" Aya.

"Balinese!" Omi.

"Come back here!" I detected the pain in Ken's voice. He was wounded.

As I ran down the stairs, I pulled out the radio from my chest pocket and ripped out the wire. Omi's demanding shouts died down to some electrical noises before going completely silent, and I heard only the sound of my steps echoing down the stairs.

Take care guys. I must go.

[onto part 4]


	5. Part 4

**When You Gonna Learn**

Part Four

Youji's boots splashed into more water puddles as he walked through the dark backstreets of Shinjuku, long graffiti-filled alleyways illuminated only by the occasional street lamps or half broken, buzzing neon signs. Twice this night in this maze of hidden paths he had encountered men with knives, ready to kill for money, and both times he just knocked the men unconscious and walked on. He was getting used to it. These men were like croakcoaches, stamping them down only gets your shoes dirty.

Tonight's check-up with the doctors showed no improvement, but nothing got worse, so Youji decided that in itself was an improvement. The psychiatrist said his after shocks were under control. Under control. What on Earth was that supposed to mean? Like he could shut them off like he switches off a light? Or like he would no longer wake up from a bad dream, soaked in his own sweat? It had been months, but still the same.

The same girl had come to find the punk next door again. The girl always came to wait for Youji's neighbour at the wrong times. She saw Youji and recognised him.

"Have you..."

Youji found the keys to his hiding at the bottom of his pockets. "No, haven't seen him."

The girl watched Youji open his door. "Can you please tell him - "

"That you've been here, okay" Youji only wished that she would go home. Judging from what she wore, she was not used to this kind of area. "Next time, don't come at this hour. He's never at home this hour."

The girl nodded politely and left. Idly Youji wondered why the girl appeared every night for someone who was never at home. It was just like him pouring two cups of coffee when he knew Asuka would never come to drink it. It was almost an obsession, a tiny thread of hope that he held onto, too frightened to let go in case it disappears.

Then Aya had told him that there would only be one Asuka in the world, that there was no point going through all the women just to search for Asuka's shadow.

Youji watched the frail form of the girl leave until she turned around the corner, and realised that they were somewhat alike. Silly people they were, knew what they were doing, knew all hope was gone but still, waited, and waited, and waited, for a door that would never open, for love that would never return. Suddenly he had an urge to tell the girl to give up, that the punk brings back a different woman to his place every night, but he didn't do it. It would be too cruel for her. But letting her wait here every night in such dangerous places was cruelty itself.

Closing his door, Youji wondered what had gone through Aya's mind when he said "there's only one Tokyo University in the world".

* * *

Ken peered over Omi's shoulder to watch the strings of writing appearing on the screen as Omi's fingers danced on the keyboard.

"Will Persia listen to us?"

"No idea, but it's better than doing nothing about it."

Ken reached up and touched the scalp on his shoulder. A bullet had made itself in, and he could remember the acute pain it caused, almost like somebody was snapping all his nerve endings at the same time. He could also remember the shock when he saw Youji leave through the emergency exit. But Ken could not blame him. It was maybe still too early for Youji. He had not been as near death as his tall friend, and he certainly had not fought for his life on a bed tucked away in the dark room somewhere. They had waited months to let Youji on again, but he could tell by the way Youji blanked out at Omi's signal that it still affected him. They should have waited for longer, should have tried to understand that if Youji did not talk about it, it did not mean that he was okay. Youji never liked talking about himself or his problems. Ken could not blame Youji for running away, and if Youji decides to stay away, he would only wish him good luck. Ken only blamed himself for not noticing the change in Youji, and when he thought something was wrong, he had ignored it. He should have been more understanding.

He guessed Omi too, felt the same way, and that was why they were trying to help, with this message to Persia. Hopefully it would not be too late to ask for mercy.

"There." Omi extracted the disk from the computer. "We'll give this to Birman to pass on to Persia."

"What're you doing?"

"Aya-kun!" Neither of them noticed Aya had came downstairs. "At least make some noises when you come in, you made me jump!"

"Or you jumped because you're doing something you don't want me to know." Aya said, glaring at the disk in Omi's hand. "What's that?"

"Nothing."

"Let me see it then."

"It's nothing about our work." Ken suddenly said, taking a step forward. "So you have no rights to demand it from us."

Aya's eyes moved from the disk to Ken, but the cold glare seemed to do nothing to the soccer lover. Ken bit his lip and stared back, not giving way. Although he no longer says the word 'traitor', they knew Aya was still mad about Youji's leaving. They could not afford to let Aya see the message.

Then holding Ken's stare, Aya took a slow step backwards before turning away and going upstairs without a word.

When they heard the door shut, Omi breathed a sigh of relief. "I can't believe you did that Ken-kun, it's so unlike you."

"Well I'm an adult and I know how to get what I want. Right now I want him to leave us alone."

"Just as Youji-kun said..."

"What?"

"I was just talking to myself."

* * *

... Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty.

Pause.

One. Two. Three...

Youji stopped and looked up when the hinges squeaked and the wooden door opened. "Next time give me some warning that you're coming in." He got off the floor and wiped off his sweat with an old towel, eyeing Birman.

With the quick push of the arm Birman made sure the door was closed. She smiled. "I don't think you'd be sleeping yet."

"No, but I should at least be wearing something when a pretty lady walks into my room. Getting clothes off can be saved for later." Youji smirked and put on a T-shirt. He did not like being disrupted in the middle of his routine exercise, but he could do the last three sets of twenty press-ups later.

"Well? Got anything?"

Youji gave Birman a diskette, which she slipped into her handbag, as an answer. "Finally got in the backstage of Shirakawa Cooperates."

"Well done. May I ask how you did it?"

"No." Youji looked away. A combination of bribes, blackmails, threats at the right people did the trick. But it was not relevant information.

"Fine, as long as you've done your part." Birman shrugged, handing Youji a brown envelope with the word 'Balinese' on it. "Your next instructions. Any questions?"

"Yeah." Youji sat down on the bed, reading the instructions. "Will you stay with me tonight?"

Birman laughed at the usual question. "No. Anything else?"

Youji paused, put the envelope down beside him, and bit his lip. After a while, he asked, "How're they?"

The smile on Birman's face vanished. Youji suddenly seemed fragile, like a child who had been away from home for too long. "They're as usual."

"How did Omi do in his history exam, do you know?"

"... No idea. Why?"

"I used to help him with modern European history." Youji gave a careless smile, swiping his hair back with his fingers. "Just wondering."

After Birman left, he did not feel like doing the rest of the press-ups anymore. Suddenly he became very aware of the darkness around him as he lay on the bed. The light bulb that hung from the ceiling was too dim, the dripping tap too loud, and the wood board bed squeaked too much. Just about only things this tiny room had, and they each annoyed him in their own ways, as if mocking him of his loneliness.

What would they be doing? He worried about Omi's exam. Omi whined a lot about modern history and got him to help almost every night, keeping him too busy for dates. Not that he really minded. Omi had been cramming the entire final year syllabus into his head for the last few months. Had Ken sorted things out with the damned flower stockist? And did Aya still go to his flat for the coffee beans?

Trivial things. He was thinking about things that would not really matter now. Curling up on his bed, Youji decided, for the first time in his life, that he was homesick.

* * *

"_... forecast for tomorrow is heavy rain in the Southern parts of the country, and occasional showers with short periods of sunshine near Hokkaido. The temperatures may range from 12 to 25 degrees celcius._

"_The weather forecast is sponsored by- _"

Omi frowned and switched off the radio. 12 to 25? Why did they ever bother to tell the temperature? It was like "I predict when I flip the coin I would get a head or a tail". How useless could the forecast people get? And it would be raining yet again. It had been this way for the past week, as if the Heavens were intending to drown the whole city, punishing it with the acid rain it had created for itself. If it were to rain for another week Omi was sure every single thing in Tokyo would be dissolved into nothingness.

He rested his chin in the palm of his hand and sighed. "Shall we close the shop? Nobody will come in this weather anyway." Without waiting for Aya and Ken's reply, Omi got up and started dragging down the metal gate.

Ken shrugged. The days were getting so boring, and he could not do much sports of any kind in this weather. He had only been to gym once in his life, and he found jogging on a treadmill just the most unsatisfying way to exercise. No fresh air, no change of scenery, just running on the same spot all the time. It was like not getting anywhere, no matter how hard he tries.

"Closing so early? It's only three o'clock."

"Hi Manx." Omi stopped and let Manx in.

"Boys are you bored?" Running a hand through her flaming curls, Manx smiled at the three young men in the shop. "You need some stretching out." She said, producing an MO from her bag.

"I've got something for you as well." Ignoring Aya's strange stare, Omi gave Manx the disk with the message he had typed. "Please give this to Persia for me."

"Okay. I have to leave, boys. You'll have all you need on the disk, my explanation won't be needed."

The young men looked at each other. They had never had their assignments coming in disks before. And when Omi loaded it on the computer, they found only words and no images.

"This is so strange. How're we supposed to work when we don't know what they look like?' Omi scrolled down the screen, but it was the end of the file already. He searched through the disks and found no image files.

"Doesn't matter. There're thorough descriptions." Aya spoke quietly. "Maybe the information came from a different source, that's all."

From their underworld, the sound of rain could still faintly be heard. As water washed away the world above, three young men stood before a computer screen with different things going through their minds: the upcoming assignment; the disk Manx would give Persia; the rain. But none of them questioned the origin of the information they were reading that was divided into sections as if made for each of them. They just printed out copies of it, then disposed the disk, the disk their teammate had carefully prepared for his friends after weeks of danger, sweat, and sleepless nights.

The MO disk lay amongst the other rubbish, forgotten, hidden, broken.

[onto part 5]


	6. Part 5

**When You Gonna Learn**

Part Five

I paid to get into the Shirakawa Cooperates. The man, known as 'Blade', was my keystone. If it wasn't for his greed, I would have had to start by getting in as a lowly bodyguard. With a vast sum of money, he helped me to get into one of the 'parties', as they called it.

My party was in charge of heroin.

The party itself was a battle field. Men and women fought for power, money, all trying to work their way up the ladder. My position in the party was as the leader's bodyguard. Much better off than those right at the bottom of the hierarchy. They only existed to take bullets.

"The stuff will get off the ship in two week's time." The party leader was Blade, a beer and cigar stuffed man in his mid-fourties. "I'll be there to inspect and you," he raised two lazy fingers and pointed at two people sitting across the table from me. "You'll be there to help out."

The people nodded. I could almost see them growling like animals under that human skin, ready to bite and dominate. Blade was stupid to keep these people here. They would soon skin him alive if he wasn't careful. But then that would be my chance to perform and be recognised. Perfect.

Power struggle was never my thing. No I did not have a fetish for pressure and competition and having to worry that one day someone will stab me in the back, thank you very much. I preferred being my own boss, being in charge of myself, so I became a private detective. I liked working at my own pace. However now I had no time to waste. I wasn't going to sit there and wait for someone to walk to me, shake my hand and introduce himself as The Pope. I would find out, and to do that, I would delve into this land of insanity, step over dead bodies and work myself upwards. Just pray that I wouldn't go insane myself.

* * *

With my arms I pressed Aya's face into my chest and squeezed my eyes shut. I still saw it, that smile, and I felt it, the corpses around us, staring. They never had time to close their eyes before death took them.

Then when fire blazed, I heard screams, screams of the men who were there, and the head of the man with the grenade trigger landed with a thud beside me, that smile still plastered on his face. His eyes became two dark fountains of blood, but that smile, he was still smiling.

Aya had stopped struggling under me. Had he gone unconscious? Or had he too seen that smile, with a trickle of red down the corner of the lips, and couldn't move, just like me?

Fire. Omi, Ken, don't come up here. There's a fire. Just run.

* * *

The stuff came by the cargo. Efficiently it was loaded offshore by mechanical arms then delivered into lorries.

"I guess this is your first big thing."

"Um." I didn't look at my colleague, just continued scanning the area. There were about five places from which an attack could launch and three other that could have weapons concealed in.

"Chill. Nothing ever goes wrong."

I spotted the Browning the moment he said that and pulled Blade to behind a column, the round of silent bullets missing us both narrowly. My fellow bodyguards immediately surrounded our boss and I with a few others made our move.

"Your chance, Youji, just your chance." I told myself, running straight towards the Browning, the man holding it, dressed in black, was exposed. He, like most people would, panicked when I ran to him as if the gun wasn't there, and I took that moment of hesitation to jump and elbowed him on the throat, my momentum knocking him off his feet. His gun fired as he fell but missed again. His head landed heavily on the ground, and with my gloved hand I grabbed his face, lifted the head, slamming it down once more, his skull cracked and he was out. The whole thing took no more than five seconds.

In shape tonight, Youji. I spotted another one, hidden behind some crates thinking that no one saw him. Stupid. I made a dash for him, grabbing hold of a rope from one of the boxes. I didn't want to expose my own weapon to these people. He was too slow for me, when he tried to run I had a hoop cast over him already, neatly looping around the neck. My arms tightened and pulled.

"Bye bye."

I handed him to my colleagues. The usual things would follow: torture, questioning, finally death. This guy was unlucky. If I wasn't around him and his mate would be off celebrating already.

The name 'Kudou' was then known to all in Shirakawa Cooperates for stopping an assault in a legendary 17 seconds.

* * *

I leaned against the wall just outside my hiding and watched her. She was probably seventeen, at most eighteen, with single-lidded eyes, thin brows and lips, and honey-coloured skin. She took a look at me, then looked at her feet and smiled.

"I'm stupid, aren't I?"

"Not stupid, just a little silly." I smiled too, but looked up instead of down, at the old lamp above with hundreds of tiny dead insects in the glass case. Little black flying things were whizzing around it. "Take a look at this lamp. These bugs love the light so much they fly right into it and get killed. Silly, but at least they die happy. Not many of us do."

The girl smiled again at my words. I wondered if I was the only person that didn't call her stupid. But who would know the heartache, the will to continue to wait, unless one had been driven crazy by it?

Suddenly I felt like having coffee. I opened my door and got out two cans of _UCC_ coffee - cold but that would have to do - and tossed one over to her. She looked just like the average coffee drinker, and I was right, she thanked me with a nod and opened the can.

"How long will you be waiting for?" I asked her, gulping down the caffeine into my bloodstream.

"Until he comes back."

"If he doesn't?"

"Keep waiting, and pray that I'll die happy."

* * *

When I finished the typing, the sky had changed from deep blue to an almost turquoise colour. Another new day had started its course and I had only three hours before work again. I checked what I typed again and again, putting in every detail I knew because Weiß would be relying on this information. Missing out anything could cost my friends a lot.

I saved the file on the MO, then made a copy under the password system just in case. I considered my options: sleep for two hours and feel tired all day, or not sleep, feel awake for the first few hours then feel like a zombie for the next few. Neither of them very nice. I flopped down onto my wood board bed, closed my eyes and let sleep take over.

Summer was ending, about time that Omi's finals results were known, I guess. The results come out at the end of summer right Omi? You worked really hard for it, I hope you did well. Have you made up your mind about university? Still going? Wouldn't the computing stuff there be too easy for you? Maybe you should go learn something more challenging, like aeronautics or explosives. That would be chemistry... learn something that would make people think "wow". About time you really push your talents to the surface. Make me proud, but more importantly, be proud of yourself.

I can't sleep...

* * *

Kudou was promoted. I was known as Kudou, a surname so common that I didn't bother to change. I didn't exist anyway, according to the national records. I trusted Omi to have done his job well and removed me completely.

Bodyguard still, but the bodyguard for the Head of Parties. I never knew such a position existed. In fact I still had no idea how the system worked because I had no chance to investigate. I had been with Blade for two months, just going to meetings, night clubs, casinos, basically by his side. He was too loosely connected to his job for me to see anything. He never talked about the cooperation, never made any phone calls in front of me, and I didn't even get a chance to search through anything. The word 'Pope' was not even mentioned. The whole thing was like hidden behind a lead shield. Two months, and all I knew was that there were parties, party leaders and head of parties. Like some stupid political systems.

I spotted my new boss coming in and immediately left his desk. The documents there were useless. There was nothing lying around that I could pick up on. Shouldn't have wasted my time coming in early.

The way he glared at me from the door all the way to his desk made cold sweat break from my back. Had he saw me reading his things?

No he hadn't. Never assume you are busted, otherwise you make mistakes that would bust yourself.

No one would associate me with Blade's death, a job finished by Weiß so perfectly that absolutely nothing could be traced. I could guess the date and time my friends would do it and had made sure I was off duty.

The man had a very distinct smell on him, and he looked, well, hollow, even though he was in a black suit and was about my height. His right hand jerked a few times, just very small movements, but I spotted it as he reached for his cigarettes. I knew these signs well enough, having gone through about thirty people that looked just like him before I got into the cooperation. I lit the cigarette for him.

The smoke smelled funny too. It was spiked, and I stepped back to avoid breathing it in. My new boss was a drug addict. Would that make things easier?

No it didn't. It went worse. Much worse.

[onto part 6]


	7. Part 6

**When You Gonna Learn**

Part Six

The television screen flashed once more, then Persia's outline faded into black and white lines, his voice replaced by static noises. Ken reached for the remote control and turned it off before the flashes drove him nuts.

"I'll leave it up to you, I don't think all three of you have to go this time."

Birman leaned against the spiral staircase that connected this room to the outside world and crossed her arms over her chest, looking at the three young men in the room. Without moving his head, Aya's eyes turned and his gaze drifted across the room, setting on Ken. Ken caught the message and nodded.

"Aya and I'll do it."

"Heh? I can do it too!" Omi, surprised that he was left out, looked at Ken, who grinned at him.

"Straight-A students should go find friends and party the night away."

Ken had thought about throwing a party for Omi, but Aya was not the party type and Youji was not around... it would be stupid. If Youji was here it would be so great. "Celebrate, muck around and get drunk" would be what the green-eyed one would say. He would buy packs of beer and drink the night away with Omi, even though Omi was not much of a drinker. Youji would be so proud if he knew Omi did so well. He would probably even make them close the shop for a day just for Omi.

Youji loved Omi even more than a parent would. Ken still did not think Youji would abandon them.

_Come back, Youji, when you're ready._

Birman left them to devise their own plans. Aya rewound the tape and watched it again. Not another MO. It was much easier to watch tapes although the information was so jumbled up. Last time with the disk everything was well ordered and they knew exactly what to do once they had finished reading the file.

Omi had asked the woman if Persia had responded to the disk they gave him. It made Aya feel that they were divided, that they were doing something behind his back. Just like Youji who turned his back on all of them. What were they doing that had to exclude him? Was he not part of the team too?

"_Don't talk about teamwork with me baby. Who's the one wandering off doing his own things all the time?_"

Youji had said that. But Aya was born this way, he never knew how to work with people. Even when he was younger and had a part time job, he did not know how to work with others. After all this time, had he not improved? He tried very hard already. He wanted to know his teammates better but did not know how to. No, he was not like Youji, who could drape a hand over Ken's shoulder and ask how he was feeling. He could not waltz into Omi's apartment and see if the young man needed help with his homework.

Aya thought he was getting somewhere. He thought it would be easier to start with someone of similar age, and Youji did not seem to mind his silence, his lack of conversational skills. Aya, over twenty years old and still learning how to make friends. Youji did not laugh at him. Had not he and Youji just started becoming good friends? Youji did not even get angry when he mentioned Asuka, was that not a sign that they were friends that could understand each other?

Anger. Aya felt it again, as soon as Youji's face flashed across his mind. And to think that he actually trusted this man... Why did he bother saving him if he was going to leave like this? He almost had Aya killed. Why bother? Maybe Youji didn't intend to save him last time. Maybe he was trying to run away but ran into Aya, that was all.

"Aya-kun." A gentle but firm grip caught Aya's wrist. "You're shaking. Are you feeling okay?"

No, feeling betrayed. "Yeah."

Feeling betrayed, even though deep in his heart he knew perfectly well that Youji did intend to save him and did just that.

"Coffee, anyone?"

* * *

He was shaking.

Youji watched his arm in horror as it shook, his other hand trying to hold it steady. Just once. He only had that thing a few hours ago... if he had a bit more then...

_No way Youji, not over your own dead body. Don't even think about it._

He got out of his hiding. He heard that exercising helps, it was time to test out if it was true.

It did not help, not even after jogging for three miles at daybreak, pushing it for himself because of the breathlessness that thing brought. He was starting to sweat despite the cold he was still feeling, and he pulled the hood of his sweater to cover his head to keep himself warm. Bed, he wanted his bed. Turning around, Youji headed back, but suddenly stopped.

"Omi hurry up! The train won't wait!" A youngster shouted, swinging a huge backpack onto his shoulder.

"Coming!" Omi's pack was slightly smaller, and he ran with ease as if the weight of the pack was nonexistent, quickly catching up with his school mates. They dashed towards the train station, and Omi spotted one familiar looking figure just outside the station.

Without much thinking Omi ran to the ticket booth. The man out there looked a littie like Youji, but he had not got the time to see clearly, especially with the face half hidden in the hood. It could not be him anyway, Youji had never worn this type of clothes and the man Omi saw was too pale to be his friend.

Almost. Youji watched Omi get into the ticket gate and smiled at the sight of the few girls who would not leave Omi's side. Omi looked just as usual, like the healthy little devil he was born to be.

_See, he can do perfectly well without you._

He had been stupid not to hide when he saw Omi, but he had never expected to run into Omi like this and that stuff had made him go so strange.

_Go back and sleep. When you wake up it'll all be over and you won't get it again._

* * *

"Sorry, I have to do my slot today."

"But you're always working!" The chubby kid standing at the front pouted, hugging the soccer ball to his chest. "Where's the curly-haired guy? Doesn't he work here anymore?"

Ken glanced back at Aya, who seemed to take no notice of the small crowd of children outside the shop, then he looked at the kid and smiled. "Youji's away for a break, so there's only three of us and I'm busier now."

"What about after the shop closes then?"

"I think by that time you should all go home, it's getting dark earlier now. I'm free tomorrow, so why don't you all meet me here tomorrow morning?"

The kids cheered and Ken smiled to himself again. He watched them chase each other as they left, then got back into the shop and resumed cleaning the display windows.

Youji was just away for a break, that was all. There had been something wrong with the green-eyed one ever since after that time when he nearly got killed. Ken remembered seeing Youji alone one night when he said he was going out for a date. Ken was out for a nightride and Youji did not notice him, he just stood there on the promenade, leaning against the wet handrail with a cigarette burning away between his fingers. Ken could tell from the way Youji looked that there was no girl and no date, it was just a little lie that Youji told. Without doing anything, Ken had started his motorcycle again and drove away, because he thought if that was the way Youji wanted it to be, then he should respect his freedom and privacy. It did not seem very right to go and ask "hey Youji what are you doing here". But now thinking back, Ken wished he had gone over and talked to his friend. He had not even really talked to Youji the night before he left them, when they were all in his flat.

_Stupid, stupid Ken. You saw something was wrong and you didn't help him._

There was no reply from Persia about Omi's message. Were they too late? Had they already found Youji and -

"Your hand will go through the glass soon." Aya suddenly said softly, not looking up from his flower arrangement. Ken realised that he had been wiping the same spot for the last five minutes like an idiot, and moved on to the next pane only to find that it was all clean already. Since there was nothing to do, Ken squirted on some window cleaner and wiped it anyway.

He had enough of silence from Persia. Though they had been told not to, should he try to find Youji himself?

* * *

It was Youji that he saw. It must be him. Omi cursed himself for not taking another second to look at the man outside the train station this morning. Youji looked different because he had to avoid Persia's men, that must be it.

What time was it? Omi pressed for the light on his watch. Almost two in the morning. Well he would just have to wake Ken up. Quietly he crawled out of his tent with his mobile phone, pressing the quick-dial for Ken's phone number.

"Hello?"

"Ken-kun, you're still awake!"

Ken's voice was tired. "I'm thinking about trying to find Youji myself, so I'm brainstorming how to do it." Over the phone there were some noises that resembled pen scratching paper in random doodling.

"I saw Youji-kun today!"

"What?"

Omi told Ken about the man he saw in the morning. "It was him, I can't have mistaken. Youji-kun's still alive. Ken-kun, let's find him."

[onto part 7]


	8. Part 7

**When You Gonna Learn**

Part Seven

Tuna and salmon and cucumber wrapped in little packets of seaweed and rice travelled on the conveyor belt in front of me, waiting to be selected. I picked up another blue plate. It was this salmon sushi's lucky day, it got to be eaten by me.

On my way back I bought some food to stock up. I was totally undisturbed as I walked back to my hiding, I guess the people had learnt their lesson. Ahead of me, just within viewing range, was the girl. Nobody bothered her, not the men lurking in the shadows or the drunken and tripping youngsters at the foot of the graffitied walls. Strange.

When I turned the final corner, she was again waiting outside my neighbour's door.

"Are you okay?"

"Me?" I looked up from my door lock at her.

"You look sick."

"I'm fine, just treated myself with proper food."

"You should see a doctor."

I was seeing a bunch of them already... "Okay. Thanks for worrying."

Birman was inside waiting for me in the darkness, I didn't notice her until I took off my sunglasses. "Any work for me?"

I found my cigarettes and lit one, then moved over to open the window. "I get back to my place, I see a gorgeous woman sitting on my bed and all she wants is work? Try a different topic shall we?"

"I'll consider it." Birman smiled, "But it's my job."

"No, haven't got enough stuff to work on, sorry to make you wait."

"It's okay, routine-wise I need to check on you anyway. My job's done tonight." Birman said as she left, her eyes sparkling even in the darkness. "By the way, I heard from Ken that Omi got straight-A's for his finals. See you next time."

Wow. All A's. I knew you could do it Omi. You make me so damn proud. Did Ken and Aya throw you a party? They better did, they ought to. But then I couldn't imagine Aya partying at all. He was such a shut-off soul, a little lost like the rest of us. He tried so hard to become a good friend for us. Little did he know that we all already love him the way he was. But at least he tried to be better. I couldn't do it.

"_You can't find another Asuka in other women._"

Yes Aya, I would try to learn, I would try to improve.

In the meanwhile, just hate me all you will.

* * *

The cold needle gleamed just before I pushed it into my arm.

I couldn't refuse. This was one of the main 'privileges' of the ones higher up in the organisation, I would raise suspicion if I said "no". Second time. The effects took two days to wear off the first time, and although I knew if I had a little more then I would feel better, I just fought it. I managed. But there would be more. A third time. Fourth time. For how much longer could I fight?

I gave my needle to the man next to me. No one cared about when they got the needle as long as they got their turn, and no one even took notice that I was the first one to use it. I would never touch one that had been used. I sank into the sofa, waiting for the thing to take effect as men and women passed needles around. I wished they would all die from some blood transmitted diseases.

Slowly, the world became a better place...

* * *

I picked open another filing cabinet, the last one, and began going through the documents there.

Nothing again. There were just no records of anything, no information on the buyers, the brokers, where the stuff came from, the financial records, not to mention who the heck the Pope was. If I hadn't became a part of it, I would never imagine the Shirakawa Cooperates had acted as the biggest drug trader in the country.

A thing harder to do than to pick open a lock is to pick it close. Spending another half an hour to re-lock everything I had opened, I finally realised I should have learned from Ken how to do this properly. I was already losing patience, my damned hand had started shaking again and hell, just lock, stupid thing!

Stop, goddammit. Youji you know perfectly well it's the heroin affecting you again, fight, my man, don't let it overpower you.

There. Heard the click? It wasn't that difficult was it? Patience is all you need. Stop thinking about those stupid needles and you'll be fine in a day or two. Asuka's gonna call you a loser if you give in.

I allowed myself to sit down on my boss' floor to take a rest. My shift for the next day was from noon to ten, if I was to go back right away I could still catch some good shut-eye before coming back here again as that man's bodyguard. I reached up and gripped the large leather armchair in front of me to pull myself up.

Hold on a minute.

I ran my hand on the back of the chair. There was something inside. Paper.

Bingo.

I took out my little trusty camera. This would be a very busy night.

* * *

_Run. Take Aya away and run._

"_Pulse but no breathing!_"

"_Omi, CPR!_"

"_Ken-kun help me turn him over!_"

_Things are burning._

"_A__ya can you stand up?_"

"_We must take him away. Can't let him die._"

"_Hell you're right! Let's get moving!_"

"_Don't you die on us Youji. Don't you dare._"

_I won't make it. Leave before the smoke chokes you._

_No. Please don't leave me behind. I was lying. I don't want to be alone._

* * *

I lit a cigarette and took a deep, long drag. The smoke brought warmth to my body, and only then I realised how cold I was. Was it late autumn already? My bed was cold. So were my hands and me. Cold with fear.

I just wanted to be with somebody. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be forgotten. And no, I didn't want them to hate me. I lied. Would they understand? Would they know me, the real Kudou Youji underneath, enough to still believe in me?

I wouldn't make it, would I, to the end of my mission. I didn't know who I was doing it for. Not for myself, not for Persia, not for the society. Perhaps just for my friends, I didn't know. I didn't know where my blood and sweat was flowing to.

And I couldn't fight the desire and the need for those needles...

* * *

Everyone was tense when I got to my workplace. Like a pre-war period. I walked through the corridors indifferently, finally stopping at my boss' office.

"Kudou, have you seen anyone suspicious here last night?"

"No, it was my night off."

My boss paced around, then sat down on his leather chair. "I suspect someone had came in last night."

"Was anything - " How did he know that? I put everything back in their places!

"No. But I've increased the security." His hand was shaking again. "It might be someone amongst our own people, so keep an open eye."

I did a half bow and left the office. Shit. They knew. And I had no idea how they found out so I couldn't pull the same trick anymore unless I want to be caught in the act. I had no time to read the papers last night, hopefully it was useful things that I photographed.

If it wasn't enough, I had two choices left. Continue very carefully and pray there would be more information somewhere else, or do a hit and run and see how much I could get that way.

The Head of Parties must meet the Pope some time, but I was never brought along. I was too new. He must bring one or two bodyguards with him though, and if I get to be one of them...

I must eliminate competition.

* * *

I got off the bus and walked to the bridge to cross the road to the promenade. It was a chilly and dry evening with a clear sky. No stars. The city itself must be too bright with its wasted effort in generating excess electricity to let the stars' light become visible. It would be so brilliant if there was a major power cut. Silly ideas of mine.

I headed for the walkway, intending to get away from my hiding area. The cramp in my abdomen got stronger and my joints ached as I walked. But I had to go as far as possible. I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself. There were no drug dealers at the promenade like I had near my hiding, so I would be safe. I would stay here all night if I had to.

From the bridge, I spotted two familiar looking persons down on the promenade.

Ken and Omi were strolling down the long walkway, looking at each person passing them. Ken was wearing the usual denim jacket, a black one, with dark work pants. That jacket must be new, I had never seen it before. Omi had something plasticy looking on, the stuff that young people wear these days with a stiff collar. The gloves were mine. So that was why the gloves were gone since last winter, that little bastard had them.

I had to stop myself from walking down the steps to them.

They were looking for somebody. Were they trying to find me?

They weren't told that I was dead? How come?

Why did they want to find me?

I turned around and walked away. Even if they were looking for me, I couldn't show up to them. I walked quickly to get away before they see me up here and my weakened soul bled with each step I took, yearning to seek some comfort in those needles.

Kudou Youji, you're a total loser.

[onto part 8]


	9. Part 8

**When You Gonna Learn**

Part Eight

Aya did not really see much point in sweeping the snow. As long as it did not stop snowing, the front of the shop would be snow-covered in no time. He just kept sweeping anyway, sweep and sweep and sweep until somebody comes to buy some flowers. It was rather boring, but he had nothing else to do. He preferred sitting in the shop, but he felt so bad when Ken speaks to him and all he could manage were single sentenced answers. It looked as if he did not want Ken to be around, and it was not true. But that was the way he was, a man of few words, Aya did not know how to change.

"Er... hey Aya."

Aya turned around, taking a break from snow sweeping. "Um?"

"What's the flower for love? Like, really head-over-heels love." Ken bit his lower lip and stared at the flowers before him as if that would give him an answer. "Something apart from roses."

"Try yellow tulips." Aya tried to smile. "Who for?"

Ken laughed and untied his apron. Time to close the shop. "No no, somebody phoned up to make an order. Oh yeah it's yellow tulips, I remember now. I took some to see Youji last time in the hospital confessing my undying love for him."

Aya shook the white snow off the broom. Ken deliberately brought Youji up. Aya had not been thinking about Youji that often anymore, it had been a few months since he left. But he knew Ken and Omi were still trying to find him, though they never talked about it.

"Is he that important to you?"

"Come on Aya, I was joking."

"I mean, is Kudou Youji very important to you and Omi?"

Ken looked uneasily at Aya, then he finally sighed and sat down. "He's our friend. Our very good friend."

Aya tried to brush the snow off his flaming hair, pulling a few bangs into place. "Even after he ran away like that?"

"Maybe it's hard for you to understand, but Omi and I have known him two years longer than you did. We trust him." Ken rested his arms on the table, looking at Aya who was still trying to fix his drenched hair.

"Remember the MO disks we got? We even joked that the information came from Youji. You know, the stuff was so ordered as if it was designed for us. It looked like it came from someone who actually knew how we work. The only thing is, Youji can't use computers as far as we know and MO's would be far beyond his league. It was just being too wild with our imagination anyway. But yes, this is how much we trust him."

It was indeed too much for Aya to understand. He did not know where Ken and Omi's faith came from. Even though Youji had once saved his life, Aya could not bring himself to forgive Youji for running away.

"To us, Youji is still a part of Weis. We've written to Persia to ask him not to hunt for Youji anymore. It doesn't matter, Aya, if you feel differently. We're still a team. What about ordering Chinese takeout tonight?"

Ken's sudden change of topic was replied by Aya's shallow smile. It was good that they talked about it, it made Aya feel less divided when Ken said they were still a team. They were friends. Learn to accept your friend the way they are, if Ken and Omi believed in Youji, let them do what they want. Aya managed to give a broader, more unreserved smile after a while.

"Eat it in my place?"

* * *

Youji stirred, opened an eye, and saw Manx sitting on a chair next to him, her hand feeling his forehead. He had fallen asleep, the paper he'd been reading fell on the ground at Manx's feet.

"You look terrible. Have you eaten yet?" She rummaged through the food Youji had in the place.

Youji did not feel like eating anything. When he opened his mouth to speak, his voice was coarse and dry. "Manx... will you get me some methadone?"

Manx watched Youji sit up on the bed, brushing his hair away from his face with a shaking hand. Even with very little light, she could see the dark circles under the eyes, the pale skin, the thinning face.

"Methadone? For you?"

"If you get me some needles too. Or just the tablet's fine..."

"Youji." Manx gripped the young man's arm firmly, her eyes fixed on his unreadable face. "It's only been four weeks since I last saw you. What happened in these twenty-eight days?"

Youji reached into his pocket and gave her a diskette. "My homework."

"I mean what happened to you." Manx's tightened her grip.

The deadly silence was almost unbearable. She could almost hear her own heartbeat matching the pace of the dripping tap.

A sink, a bed, a chair, a bedside table with a lamp, that was about all the room had. The paint on the walls was flaking, showing the raw grey concrete beneath. Suddenly Manx felt that not only the walls were flaking off, but Youji too, was flaking away, little by little. At this moment, the eldest assassin of Weiss only looked like a young man who had nothing, sitting there like a rag doll. Like he would collapse any moment.

"Don't worry, my beautiful lady."

"Don't even try to charm me with the state you're in. Methadone..." Manx suddenly gasped. No, it could not be that. "... You're on heroin!"

Youji tried to laugh. He did not know what went wrong, but it sounded bitter. He thought he was very good at laughing, but today it failed him. "They trade the stuff, I couldn't say 'no'... but I'll be fine, trust me on that one. I've gone this far, I'll go the rest of the way."

"But..."

"Manx how many times have I told you to stop all the 'but's? Don't doubt me! I chose to do this, ok?"

Manx bit her lip and told herself not to ask anymore. Youji was getting more distant, pretending to be irritable because he didn't want her to know more than she needed to. He never changed. After working on his own all this time, he was still the same Kudou Youji she knew from Weiss. Maybe a little more hollow, maybe in deeper pain each time she sees him, maybe a bit more silent, but still the same Youji, the one who wanted to know if Omi passed his finals; if Ken was still learning the floral languages; if Aya managed to keep the girls who were not buying flowers away from the shop.

She remembered visiting Youji that summer night to give him that brown envelope with _Balinese_ printed on it, the way he smiled and accepted it, telling her that he used to be a private detective and collection information was his specialty. She also remembered seeing his lips quiver as he spoke those words, how his hands shook as he put the paper back in the envelope and burnt it.

Manx could feel the envelope in her handbag. The papers rustled as she pressed hard on it, and reluctantly she took it out. The same type of envelope she gave to Youji six months ago. She had to give him one every few weeks with their plans and in exchange, Youji gives her an MO disk.

"How're they?" Youji asked as he started reading.

"As usual. They're stocking some new flower types, but I don't know what they're called."

Youji chuckled, ignoring the pain in his shoulders as he did. "When we first started who knew _Kitten_ would really evolve into a business. It was just there as a communication point."

"You're all business-minded young men, especially with Aya around."

Youji gave another hollow laughter.

Manx promised to get the methadone as soon as possible and left Youji alone again in the room. He picked up his piece of paper and started reading again. All the other bodyguards around the Head of Parties were just about as new as he was, except one of them. It must be this one that the man takes to all the secret meetings. According to the documents he found last time, they meet irregularly and it was only the night before that the people involved get told when and where the meeting would be.

Youji knew he could not just kill the bodyguard. There had been a few deaths within Shirakawa Cooperates already, to kill another one was to blow everything for himself before he even got to know the Pope's identity. In his aching head, Youji devised a plan that would cost his life if it goes wrong.

* * *

Another drug dealer. Omi raised his hand, aimed for the heart and unleashed the lethal weapon. It took all but a few seconds for the man to die. This mission was simple enough to be completed alone, but Aya came along anyway. The dead man's body was swiftly buried by the snowstorm, white snow overlaid red snow, then white over white...

"Aya-kun, did you realise that all the mission that came in disks had something to do with the drug trade?"

Aya glanced at Omi but did not reply. He had not and did not really care.

"I wonder if there is a connection between all these people."

"What if there is?"

"Nothing. I was just wondering." Omi shrugged and got into Aya's car.

"Isn't it better to know less about the people you've killed?" Aya said expressionlessly. "Or are you going to try to find that connection?" He started the engines and mumbled something about the weather. Driving in snow was not ideal.

"I don't know. I keep having this feeling that I should."

If Youji was around, he would definitely slap Omi's back and say that if he thinks he should do it, then do it and do damn well with it. Manx said they could not find Youji and they suspected that he had obtained a fake passport and had left the country. It better be true. If they killed Youji -

Omi could not imagine it. Youji, a stone cold body buried somewhere, or cremated, gotten rid of in some way. No more glassy green eyes and brilliant, generous smiles. Caught, put to death, disposed of. No more arms draping over shoulder plus "how're you doing". Finished. No more.

Manx better did not lie to him.

* * *

"You're going to ignore her like this?"

The punk kept pulling and shaping his strands of turquoise hair, his eyes rolling upwards to see the bangs, and did not answer.

"It's dangerous to let her come here all the time, you know."

"So I told the guys out there not to touch her." He crouched down, finally sitting down at the foot of the concrete wall just outside his place. Youji did that quite often too, whenever the small room just seem to press down on him and suffocate him, he went to sit outside. "They won't lay a single finger on her."

"Why don't you just tell her to leave?" Youji rolled a can of beer across the floor and the punk caught it. "Tell her you don't love her."

"She'll kill herself." The punk opened the can single-handedly, tilt his head up and swallowed half of the can before he asked, "Do you know what it means to love?"

Youji did not reply. It was not a question meant for him.

"To give her the best, to protect her, to hide things from her if that's what it takes." The punk mumbled, sticking a hand into his hair and messing it all up again. The dry, chemically treated hair resembled a bunch of hay on his head. "That's how I love her."

He poured the rest of the alcohol into his stomach, squeezing the empty can to a deformed mass of aluminium and tossed it aside. "You don't understand, do you."

"No." Youji rolled his own unopened can to the punk. He was not supposed to be drinking, the doctors said, especially when he suffered from withdrawal symptoms. "I'm afraid not." His lips quivered again when he spoke.

"I'm involved in things I can't get out of."

"Ah. I see." Just like him and Weiss, although the thought of getting out of Weiss had never cross Youji's mind - what else could he do, with no connections to the world, with no identity at all?

The spasms were coming again. Sweat broke out on his forehead and his back, and he had a sudden urge to vomit, though he had eaten nothing to throw up. Youji held himself around the waist, feeling like he had stepped into a freezer and his body went rigid.

_It's okay, it's okay Youji, don't be so scared. You'll be fine... just fine..._

The punk watched Youji with his unfocused eyes for a while, then when Youji finally let out a long sigh and his body relaxed, the punk got up. "Thanks for the beer."

"Hey."

The punk paused, turning around to look at his curly-haired neighbour.

"You think you're doing the best for her. What if all she wants is to be with you no matter what? We all want to die happy, don't we."

"Yes, but life doesn't usually work that way."

[onto part 9] 


	10. Part 9

**When You Gonna Learn**

Part Nine

"You're home so late."

I halted when I saw Manx, her trademark curls pouring down on her shoulders like blood, her lips an equal flaming red, glossy even in the darkness of the room.

"I'm a big boy, can't I stay out for longer?" I teased. "Or you just can't wait to see me?" I moved a step closer, my arms open in an inviting gesture, and she just laughed, turned her back to me and walked to the window. She knew I wouldn't make a move on her. Sleeping with my boss' secretary would be stupid, and I liked it this way, that I could tease her and Birman all I wanted and then just laugh it off.

"That's for you." She gestured at some pills and a floppy disk on my bedside table. "Apparently you missed two appointments with the doctors."

I shrugged off my coat, dusted off the snow and hung it on the back of the chair. "Thanks for the stuff. You can leave me alone now."

I knew I missed the appointments. The doctors were no use, there was nothing they could do for me. It was the heroin. It brought the explosion back to me, nearly killing me every time I slept. Images would flood my mind, the unique smell of blood, the heat would wash me away. As long as I had to take those needles, there was nothing anyone could do.

"Youji - "

"Out." I shot a look at her. She didn't move, and I realised how harsh I just sounded. "Please." I softened my voice.

Manx shook her head to tell me she didn't take it offensively. Gracefully she left, with a note "I had that floppy disk since a long time ago and they still haven't given up yet. Neither should you'"

I swallowed two of the tablets Manx had left me, then loaded the disk onto the computer.

The disk was for Persia.

It almost had me in tears.

* * *

_Looking great, Youji-kun._

I tied my hair up and hid it into the baseball cap, smiling at my reflection in the mirror. I could almost hear Omi laughing at my appearance and Ken telling me to be careful not to make mistakes later. Then Aya would turn around, take one look at me and say "see you later" when I leave.

The sunglasses concealed my green eyes nicely. I checked myself a final time and set off, driving the car I requested from Birman, an old looking Beetle with nothing significant so that a reconstruction of the scene later would be difficult.

Damn. Snowing again. That made my plans harder to carry out. I accelerated none-the-less, I wasn't going to delay this because of the snow. I overheard about an upcoming important meeting soon and I would stop at nothing for the chance to be present there.

It was just about time my colleague went off duty. I drove to the main building of the Shirakawa Cooperates, and was just in time to see him pulling out his white Mercedes. I followed behind.

_I need a needle..._

Wake up Balinese. You're working right now. Shove those things out of your mind and concentrate.

My hands didn't listen. They began to tremble. I gripped hard on the steering wheel. No Youji, you aren't going through that right now. Focus on the Mercedes. Turn left here, he's gonna turn right and you speed up to catch up with him at the next junction.

I turned off my headlights, made the turns to my designated road and saw the my colleague's car coming up towards me on the opposite side. The snow wasn't too bad afterall. It could help this look like it was an accident.

_Be careful Youji. We don't want you to die._

"Okay..." I said to the rest of Weiß in my head, clenched my teeth and let my shaking hands steer off my side of the road.

_I need a needle..._

No, not now...

* * *

As I had thought, the Head of Parties told me to accompany him for a meeting soon. I had an outstanding record afterall, there wouldn't be anybody else better suited to the job, now that the one who was supposed to do it was in hospital. I would be informed of the time and place the night before.

My whole body ached from the crash, though I was prepared and I designed it myself so I had no injuries. I had a blue, stripe-like bruise across my front where the seat belt held me back, and the back of my head hurt where it slammed back against my seat, but that was all. The shaking almost killed me though, I made the crash at the wrong time because my hands wouldn't behave. It still worked, luckily.

"What?"

"The X-ray showed a crack in your right arm. It could be the impact of the crash because you've broken it there before."

To hell with doctors. It was just a crack, it wouldn't do anything and I hadn't got the time to take care of it. I swallowed the methadone they gave me and wandered towards the promenade. I felt like throwing up again, my stomach quenched, my head ached, my legs were limp and I just wanted the needles. My body refused to function properly without them. I crouched down against the railing on the promenade, ignoring the stares of the couples walking along. I couldn't go back to my hiding. I couldn't guarantee that I would not buy myself the simple solution to these pains from the brokers near there.

It hadn't stopped snowing. Winter was my favourite season, I enjoyed the cold and the numb it brought to my face and fingers. It was also the season that brought people together, though I never knew why I thought it that way. Maybe it was because everyone seemed more passionate and aware of each other when it was cold. We all seem more dependent and vulnerable at this season of snow, we were more like our real selves. That would probably make no sense to anybody, especially Aya. He never knew how passionate a man he was, how much we felt cared for when he was around. Ken might understand what I meant, he was the kind of guy who could stand in the sun and suddenly start wondering when he would fall in love. Him and I could engage ourselves in talks that were of no importance and meant nothing to anyone.

Someone was running towards me. I looked up from my feet to where the sound came from.

Speak of the devil.

I picked myself up and ran.

"Youji! Wait!"

No way. I dashed on with my sore muscles and heard Ken chase behind me, our shoes crushing the snow on the ground. "Youji I just want to talk to you!"

I ran on without looking back, though I knew Ken's persistence was something I could not win. Block after block he chased me, not tiring at all, but I was wearing out and my body screamed at me to stop. I would never win this race against the soccer lover.

I turned for the maze of backstreets near where I lived. After five or six turns, I hid myself at one unlit, unnoticeable corner. Ken lost me. He was stuck in this network of dark pathways.

"Youji I know you're still here. Come out so that we can talk."

I tried to slow down my breathing as Ken spoke.

"Persia didn't sent me for you. Trust me. I seriously just want to talk to you. We're friends, we can talk things over. I won't force anything on you, promise."

Just shut up Ken. You're making me feel worse.

"... Youji, I'll come to this place again on Friday at this hour with Omi. Perhaps you aren't ready to talk to me right now, but we'll be here on Friday and... just get us if you want to talk, yeah?"

I waited a while longer, then a blur of turquoise appeared in front of me. "He's gone."

I walked back with the punk.

"Now you understand what I told you last time."

"I think so." To protect them, to give them the best, to hide things from them if that was what it took - I treated my friends the way the punk treated the girl. When they wanted to speak to me, just to see if I was well, I still had to hide away, because of what I was involved in.

_Persia-sama,_

_We would like to ask you to pardon Kudou Youji. It had been our mistake to let him participate in that mission when he was not ready for it, and we are willing to take any responsibilities regarding that matter..._

They trusted me that much. After all these months they still believed in me. I buried my face in my hands and laughed. Were they stupid? I never thought I was worth this much to them. I never knew.

They were such lovable idiots...

* * *

Tonight.

Friday today. Ken and Omi would have no luck finding me, the meeting would be tonight. Good job Balinese, you've made it this far. Almost, almost there. Once you find out who the man behind all this is, Weiß can go and finish the rest of the job and you can go home.

I rummaged through the drawer, found the last of the methadone I had and swallowed them dry. I had to unhook from the needles. I was going home, I couldn't let them see me as an addict. Mustn't make them worried, mustn't let them look down on me.

I studied my face on the small mirror over the sink. I looked, well, not much better than the pale-skinned teenagers that lurked at the alleyways out there.

Take a look at yourself Youji, you think you're really gonna look better before you go back? Not a chance mate.

I would look better with my sunglasses. They could hide the sunken eyes. They were bought to hide my eyes anyway, though I knew women went for the green. My life was more than just women. If they like me then let them like me and let them give me what they want to give. If they don't, to hell with it, I never felt for them enough to make an effort... except Asuka.

I was getting restless. I had to meet the Head of Parties at 4am, and time was passing too slowly, way too slowly. The seconds flashed away on my watch, one two three four five, and I found myself counting them. Then someone knocked on my door.

"Your friends are out there already." The punk told me, and I saw the girl coming round the corner. He hadn't noticed her yet. "How much do you love them?"

I smiled. "Enough to lie to them. I'll get them away."

The punk shrugged, turned to go and froze when he saw the girl.

"When will you understand that I want to die happy, with you?" That was all she said, her fingers clutching her skirt, her eyes fixed on the punk's. Then she took one step closer and wound her arms around the turquoise-haired young man.

"Women can be the most stubborn species on Earth." I laughed, rather inappropriately. "You should understand by now."

So were friends. They could be so persistent. They were already waiting, Omi and Ken, at the exact spot where Ken lost me last time. He had a good memory and found the spot again. It had taken me about three days to learn my way around. They had their backs turned to me when I walked past, bumping in between them, stuffing a note into Ken's hand and walking straight off very quickly.

"Youji-kun!" Omi shouted behind me once he noticed it was me who pushed past.

"Wait Omi." Ken said, and I could feel his gaze on my back before he opened my note. I kept on walking without looking back. Then I heard him shout loudly, "We'll meet you tomorrow!"

I knew they would go along with what I wanted. In my note I told them I wasn't ready to talk and I needed another day. They wouldn't force me, they knew me well enough to know that I didn't make false promises and if I said I would talk to them eventually, then I would.

With my hand I signalled a "see you then" to them, and pulled our distances apart further. Each step I took was somewhat heavier than the last. It was hard to walk away from them when I knew they loved me that much, and somehow, I felt that if I walk away, I would never see them again...

_... and having worked with Kudou Youji for a considerable amount of time, both of us believe that he would bring no harm to Weiß and if he was let out any information accidentally, you and your secretaries would not be brought into it because of your hidden identity to all of us, including Kudou. The risk is only with us and we are certain that this will not happen. So we therefore ask you to abandon any planned or currently ongoing hunt for Kudou, because to us he is still a part of Weiß and to have him put to death means we are no longer complete._

_Tsukiyono Omi  
Hidaka Ken_

Thank you guys. You mean a lot to me too, you idiots, though I would never know how to put it in words or expect you to understand. See you again soon...

[onto part 10]


	11. Part 10

**When You Gonna Learn**

Part Ten

2:30am. Aya heard the noises next door and could tell that Ken had came back. Perhaps he was out for a nightride again. Aya once considered learning to ride a motorcycle, but it was too much for him to rip through the wind like that. He needed things he could trust, things that were more secure. Like cars. And friends.

Youji's coffee machine was sitting at the kitchenette next to the microwave, unused. The crushed beans had ran out and Aya did not want to drink other coffee anymore. Youji was gone and gone was the coffee with him. He ignored his sudden crave for caffeine and opted for water instead. It was always good to drink water, the coolness it brought, even during the blizzard blowing outside, was nice, like a balm to his mind. Like friends.

He reached for the remote control and with the press of a button the music was gone from his small living room. Silence kicked in, he sighed, wanting to talk to someone. He often wanted to talk, but it always ended up in mumbles and silence. Ken would be too tired to talk now and although he would not mind if Aya dropped in for a visit, Aya did mind if he disturbed other people's resting times. Omi would be doing _homework_. There was nowhere to go, nothing to do other than to let his body sink into the sofa and stare at the ceiling. Aya thought about what it would be like to look at the ceiling like this, like Youji did when he was in hospital, for a few months. He narrowed his eyes, stared hard, and discovered that the ceiling would still be a ceiling no matter how he looked at it. He wondered if Youji saw it differently. Youji was an imaginative one, he had probably turned his little section of ceiling above him into his private TV station.

Youji was someone he could trust, someone who could calm him, if there was ever an emotional battle inside that he thought no one could see. Youji was. Was could did had, all past tense. Aya did not know why he could not forgive Youji. He really did not know. He put on his coat and went out, this house with its faint smell of coffee reminded him too much of the traitor, he needed to get out.

Crazy. Aya thought he must be crazy when he stepped out. It was beyond freezing outside, the blizzard seemed like it would blow everything away. What was wrong with this world? It had rained non-stop at summer, then snowed non-stop at winter, as if to prove a point, although about what, Aya did not know. But he felt better when he was out of his apartment. His feet led him to nowhere in particular, but he eventually realised that he had walked to _Kitten In The House,_ and someone else was equally mad, or even madder than he was. Youji, with only a thin jacket to protect himself against the snow, was there outside_ Kitten_, looking into the shop.

Cattelyas. Youji still could not believe it, not really, after months of telling himself that they would not want him to go back. Then he thought once again about the message from Omi and Ken. Was that real? Did Manx make it up just to get him going again? Did the two of them just want to see him, or was it all a lie to coax him out and make him pay for leaving them behind?

Someone was behind him. Even with the screams of the winds Youji heard the unmistakble sounds of footsteps on snow. He did not expect to see Aya here, did not expect anyone to be as insane as he was to come to a closed shop on the night with the strongest snow yet this winter.

"Traitor."

Aya ran towards him. Youji did not, could not move, when Aya said that word. He had had enough of running away. If Aya did not believe in him, if Aya thought he was a traitor, then he did not need to run.

"Kudou Youji! Traitor!"

Aya's gloved fist hit Youji on the jaw. It did not make him feel any better, only worse, that Youji had stood there and taken the punch. Was it because Youji's attempt to smirk only gave a bitter smile?

Youji looked different. No, it was not the way he dressed that made Aya feel it. He looked closer whilst Youji bent over and rubbed his jaws in pain. The face was sunken, the eyes dark and that pale skin could match the white of the snow. What happened?

Aya wanted to say something. Ask him what he was up to, where he had been... and if he was feeling all right. Youji flexed his jaws, rubbed a few more times and stared back with challenging eyes. The taller man knew Aya could not form a sentence that quickly. Then without saying a word, Youji started to leave.

Aya grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Leave me alone."

"... I thought we are - "

Youji yanked his arm away from Aya's grasp, cutting his speech short. He bit his lip, then walked away, his figure disappearing amidst the snow. Aya stood frozen, unable to chase behind him. They were not friends, afterall. Youji did not give him a chance to say it. The selfish bastard did not even give him the time to ask what was wrong. He was leaving again, without a word, just as he did last time. Only this time, Aya was free to chase him, yet he did not. Enraged, Aya started to run, away from the shop, away from Youji.

In the snow so harsh that they could hardly see where they were heading to, they got further and further apart, not knowing when or if they would ever meet again.

* * *

It was not much warmer in the factory. Shirakawa Cooperates had acted as food manufacturers, and Youji recognised this as one of the food productions lines that produced instant noodles. Great invention. Youji could not remember how many times he had lived on instant noodles alone.

Aya still cared enough to think they were friends, that comforted Youji like the message from Omi and Ken did. He could understand Aya's rage, it was just like him to be so angry, so disappointed in him. Aya's trust was hard to earn, just like the rest of them.

The Head of Parties, along with many others, sat at a large, elliptical conference table. Youji could only recognise a few faces, having read through the information of the known managers in the cooperation. Youji knew he made the correct decision to come here instead of getting Weiss to come and bust the meeting - there would be too many people for them. He stood, like all the other bodyguards present, behind the man he was supposed to protect. The seat for the boss was empty. The Pope had not arrived yet.

The methadone was wearing down. The cramp-like pain started again in Youji's chest, as if his heart was suddenly gripped. Sweat ran down his back despite the cold, but Youji did not move, although the desire to drop down and double over grew by the minute.

_Not now Youji, almost there. As long as you see the damned face and get through this cursed meeting..._

Then, at the sound of a pair of high heels against the tilted floor, everyone stood up. A woman in her early thirties stepped into the room, her high profiled style contrasting all the men present, and one of the bodyguards pulled out the leather armchair for her.

Youji recognised her. The young second wife of the founder of the Shirakawa Cooperates, Maiko Shirakawa, the Pope.

* * *

Hot water cascaded down his shoulders, flowing down, warming his body. It was a stupid idea to go out, he must warm himself up before getting the flu. Damn it, damn it, what just happened, why did he let Youji go without explaining himself?

When Aya got dressed and stepped out, Ken and Omi were in his living room waiting.

"Sorry to come in without asking, but we need to talk."

Aya glanced at the clock on the VCR. Talk, at four in the morning?

Ken looked at Omi, and Omi spoke. "We found Youji-kun a couple of days ago, and went to meet him tonight. He gave us this." He gave Aya a piece of folded paper. "He promised to talk to us, and we want you to go along, because you're a part of Weiss and also Youji-kun's friend."

The paper was filled with artistic squiggles and hiragana and kanji, it was Youji's handwriting without a doubt. Aya only doubted what Omi said. Him, Youji's friend? Youji did not even spare him the chance to talk just now.

"I saw him just an hour ago. He didn't want to talk."

Omi gasped at the new knowledge that the two of them had met. "He isn't ready, Aya-kun."

"Ready what? He needs time to come up with some heart breaking story that will make me forgive his leaving?" Aya snapped, rising from his seat. "No I'm not going, he denied our friendship. Why should I go?"

Ken held his hands together, palm to palm, and studied his fingers as he spoke. "Aya, I thought you would be more understanding than that. Do you think anyone would risk his life for someone he didn't care about? Or are you trying to forget the fact that Youji did once saved you?" Then he looked up at the redhead, his brown eyes meeting Aya's violet ones. "What are you so angry about, anyway? What is it you can't forgive?"

Lost for words, Aya bit his lip and sank back down to the sofa. Why could not he forgive? He did not get hurt much last time, it was just a slash that had healed itself very quickly. Ken had taken a bullet, but he was the one asking him why. Aya did not know, he truly did not know.

"Aya-kun, when will you see that we could have prevented it? Think back." Omi played with the note in his hands. His voice was full of sorrow and regret. "We all saw something weird in Youji-kun ever since he got hurt last time. It had been that way for months, Aya-kun, but did any of us talk to him? We didn't help him when we should have done. We just kept taking advantage of him and pretended nothing was wrong."

Ken studied the change in Aya's expression, seeing the effect of Omi's words in Aya. It had taken a while for the words to settle in, then Aya closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands. So much for thinking that they were friends, Aya never helped Youji in his times of need. He thought Youji was the one that torn their friendship, but when had he ever contributed to it? Youji was ready to give his life for his friend, but what had he done? What had he done?

"I didn't see much of him, Aya. I mostly saw him from the back, but I can still tell that he had been through a lot these months."

Aya remembered Youji's face. The quivering lips, the dull eyes and the pale, lifeless skin. Youji looked fragile enough to be blown away by the snow. Aya had punched him the moment he saw Youji, why should he expect Youji to talk when he had not displayed his care? Youji only knew he was thought to be a traitor. That and only that. He only knew Aya's anger, not friendship.

Who was it that did not give each other a chance to talk? Youji, or ...Aya himself?

"So please tell us, Aya-kun, why is it you can't forgive?"

He could not forgive. Not Youji, but the one who could not handle the friendship; who did not give a supporting hand; who took everything for granted; the one who knew all this deep inside, but had directed this anger towards Youji instead.

'... I can't forgive myself.'

* * *

Shaky fingers moved furiously over the keyboard, recording every detail of all that he knew. Youji's concentration was fading, his body screaming once again for heroin, but he had no time for that. He did not recognise the pain in his arm, or the fact that he had not eaten or slept for the last forty eight hours.

The MO was done when he finally noticed the knock on his door.

The punk gelled his hair differently, it was spiked up and trimmed shorter, he looked neater now. Youji wondered if that had anything to do with his girl. "Your friends are here again. Three of them this time."

_Three? Aya as well?_

Then Youji saw the men in suits coming around the corner, their hands reaching inside their coats. He recognised these men, he had worked with some of them.

_Busted._

"Do me a favour. Give this to them."

The punk studied the disk his neighbour gave to him. This little piece of advanced technology resembled nothing to him. He had always thought his neighbour was no ordinary people, but just not so unordinary. Youji pushed him away when the men approached.

"Go!"

The punk ran for it when he saw those men pull out guns.

Youji held his watch, narrowed his eyes, walked up one step then suddenly turned around, swinging his body whilst pulling out the thin, deadly wire, slicing the throat of one man swiftly.

Then he heard something crack.

* * *

Ken's knee dug into the robber's stomach, then Omi shoved him down to the ground, and they walked on. Aya had insisted coming here right away after the three of them had talked. He wanted to apologise, to do something to help, he felt he owed this to Youji. But was Youji really here? It looked nothing like the area Youji would go. Youji liked cleanliness, not these dark, hidden alleyways that were cleared of rats only because it was too cold. The snowing did not cease, and these narrow backstreets amplified the winds, creating an alien, hollow noise.

They looked at each other when they saw a punk running up, stopping finally in front of them, a hand pressed against a wall as he bent down to catch his breath and the other holding up an MO disk.

"This is... from him..."

Him? He meant Youji? They all just stared at the disk. None of them touched it.

_Oh my God._

"He... he... those men in suits had firearms..."

A few steps ahead, a group of men with dark glasses and suits turned the corner and walked past them. The punk immediately silenced.

"Youji-kun!" Omi shouted when he saw Youji amongst the group, his head bowed.

Youji looked up, his eyes searched for a moment before finally seeing his teammates so close, practically a step next to him. His eyes narrowed.

"Go home, kid, I don't want to see you."

He walked on with the other men.

"Youji - "

Aya covered Omi's mouth with his right hand when he saw the dark gleam in one of the men's hand. "You take one step closer and Youji's dead." He whispered.

What was going on? Omi saw it too, it was an automatic, with silencer. Youji was being held at gunpoint? Why? Just what was going on? What had he done?

"Ken," Aya said without turning his head, his eyes still fixed on those dark suits men. They were filing into two black BMWs at the end of the alleyway where it connected to the main street. "Follow them on your bike, Omi and I'll find out what's going on then go home and get the gear."

Ken nodded and ran, picking up his speed as a soccer player, his hand signalling "keep in contact by phone".

"Take us to his place. Now!"

It was a maze, Omi decided as he and Aya ran behind the punk, turning into yet another street before finally stopping at an opened door. The simplicity of Youji's hiding place was enough to shock the two of them, not to mention the computer they found that their assumed computer-illiterate friend had used. Packaged food bundled neatly - Youji's style - at the floor of one corner; a thick blanket folded up at the end of a woodboard bed; a small pile of clothes in the tiny closet. Everything was sorted, well ordered, just like how Youji normally did things. Aya's fingertips brushed over the clothes, yes they were Youji's, they were the plainest of the clothes he owned. Youji had hid here for months living just like this.

"_What are you looking at, Youji-kun?_"

"_Learning how to use computers._"

Omi's eyes misted when he loaded the MO disk onto Youji's computer and read the information his friend had prepared for them just before he was taken away. Idiot, Youji was such an idiot, why did he have to work on his own?

"_I can't work with you looking at me like that. Why do you want to learn anyway?_"

"_It's the twentieth century! And chicks like guys who know a bit about modern technology._"

"_Youji-kun, do you ever learn something with a different intention?_"

_Youji laughed and didn't answer._

[onto part 11]


	12. Part 11

**When You Gonna Learn**

Part Eleven

I almost screamed.

My fractured right arm finally snapped, at the wrong time and place. My fingers lost their strength and let go of my wire, which wound itself back into my watch. I would not have a chance of escape now, no I didn't think that I would win against all seven men surrounding me because they all had weapons. But each one of them would be Weiss' obstacle when Aya, Omi and Ken come to eliminate the Pope, and it was all I could help to kill and injure a few of them before Weiss arrived.

My arm now hung uselessly by my side. The wire couldn't be used anymore, I had to try a different tactic. Must earn some time for the punk to give my disk to them and get them away from here before anything else happen. None of them would be wearing their gear, they would not be ready to face eight automatics. Not that I was ready at all, but at least I managed to get rid of one.

I didn't know how I got busted, just like I never knew how they found out that someone had been through the documents, and frankly I didn't care anymore. They hadn't fired at me straight away and from that I could tell they wanted to catch me alive, meaning I could push my luck just a bit more. I sidestepped from a shot that aimed for my legs, then kicked up in a karate move, managing to kick away one of the bodyguards' guns, sent it flying up before landing a distance away with a clang, and broke the fingers of the man that held it. It was all I could do. The next moment I felt the cold metal against the back of my head and the even colder glares.

_Oh Balinese, too bad._

I handed myself over to them and let them take my watch away. Hell, I loved that watch, I'd just have to ask Persia to get another one made.

_Think you'd have a chance to do that, Balinese?_

I followed them out of the backstreets. The guys should be gone by now with my disk, they would be on their way to the Underworld to read the information.

_Of course. I'll go home, they're all waiting for me. This balinese kitten will go back to its home._

"Youji-kun!"

Omi! I head jerked up. Was that my imagination or were they still around? I spotted him, with Ken, Aya and the punk, so close to me, within my reach. I could have easily touched them if I could still move my right arm, though that might get myself and them all killed. Damn, they saw me, I was just under the street lamp, they would see my face. I didn't even have my sunglasses on. I didn't want them to see me this way, this ugly face of mine resembled nothing like the Youji they knew, wasn't the Youji they wanted to have back home.

"Go home, kid, I don't want to see you."

They didn't have their weapons with them, I couldn't drag them into this. I read the change in their faces, not because of what I said, but because Aya and Ken had seen the automatic against my back. Hey you two, you know well enough not to move right now if you want to stay alive. Shut Omi up before he gets a gun against his back as well.

... What's that noise?

"Che." The driver said, "Get rid of him."

Then I saw from the mirror the reflection of Ken. He was chasing behind us! No! I tried to turn around to look, but I was pressed down on the seat with a gun promising to send bullets into me if I dared to move again. Ken, don't do this!

The man on my right opened his window and hung his upper body out of the car to aim his automatic at Ken. I stared at the mirror, not sure if the chill and sweat was caused by the withdrawal or my fright, as the man fired once, twice, three times at my friend. No, not Ken, no one was to die for me! His death would be useless if I could not get away in the end!

He missed. Ken's headlight made it hard for the man to see properly, and Ken probably had his infra-red goggles on to see better. Ken tipped his motorcycle to the right slightly but didn't accelerate, he just kept a good distance behind me. More soundless shots were fired. Did Ken get hurt? I couldn't see!

As I struggled, turning my body to see Ken, I felt something jab into my arm. Ken's headlight blinded me, but in a few seconds it got dimmer and dimmer, then everything was gone.

* * *

_Ken?_

The front wheel of the motorcycle slowed, then it eventually stopped. The headlight was smashed, flashing, shining onto Ken, who lay on his side, next to the broken piece of metal which he fell from. The snowing didn't stop, but the rough winds stilled when I saw him, as if time itself stood still. At the same time, the flashing ticked away the seconds, reminding me time would not wait.

_Ken?_

The blood was black. Blackness pooled from his leg and two holes on his upper body, soaking into the snow. Black snow. I stepped into it, crouched down, and touched his face. He responded to my touch, his lips quivered, mumbled something, then he choked and coughed, and blackness poured from his lips as well.

No. Please stay. I'll get you a bowl full of red kidney beans in Pizza Hut. I promise not to throw food at you again. Please don't go.

The dark irises moved, his eyes focused and found mine. He smiled, black blood brimming his lips, then he cleared his throat and spoke.

"_I... I told you I'd see... see you tomorrow... I'm early..._"

I wiped the mist from my eyes, then did it for him too. Our tears would do nothing, we didn't need them.

"Yeah... let's have pizza tonight shall we?"

"_You pay._"

"I pay."

I hoped he didn't notice the tears in my voice. His smile got broader, so did the pool of frozen blackness around us. His gaze on me gradually became diffused.

"_... I'm cold..._"

Biting back my sob, I unzipped my jacket, yanking it off my body despite my broken arm. With one hand I held it, looking up from the jacket at him again.

_Ken?_

He was no longer looking at me. His head was against the black snow, his smile was gone. The blackness still ran from the lips, down his chin, onto the snow. I placed my jacket over him, then I reached out, and touched his face again. He didn't move.

_... Ken?_

* * *

I didn't answer. I said nothing at all, biting my lips to make the point that I would not speak. Maiko Shirakawa walked up to me, slapped me across the face, and demanded once more:

"Who do you work for?"

"How did you find out about us?"

"Where are the rest of you?"

She must have thought I came from one of her opponents in the industry. No, woman, I'm a part of Weiss, the people who eliminate those in the darkness, like you. It wasn't necessary for you to know, because you would soon be dead, my friends would come to get you.

I received a punch in the stomach and my body responded by vomiting. It had wanted to do that for a long time.

"It doesn't matter if you don't tell us. As long as we have you here, the rest of you will show up and we'll get rid of all of you then." She smirked, "In case you want to know, the bodyguard you crashed your Beetle into recognised you. He's woken up."

She left with the other men and I heard a key turn the lock.

Get rid of us? No, I would not bring them all here to be killed. They would come here to finish you and get me home. I trusted them to do this.

Just be careful, my friends.

The sedative had put me into short sleep in the car earlier. The dream I had was so vivid I could almost still feel Ken's warm skin against my fingers, see the way the headlight illuminated our faces, the way the sparkle in his eyes faded. I didn't know what happened to him in the end because of the drug, but in my dream, he had...

It's just a dream... They couldn't have killed Ken. If they wanted him to bring the rest of my teammates here, surely they wouldn't have killed him. No, Ken was too smart to get shot. He must still be alive, must be...

I would just have to wait for them. I didn't feel fear, even though I was held captive right here by this woman. Aya, Ken and Omi would find me. I just had to wait and stay alive for that.

My empty stomach tried to throw up and only a throat burning liquid came out. Maybe my stomach acid. Not that it mattered, because it didn't make me feel any better or worse. I wormed my way to the corner of the empty room with my tied hands and feet, my arm sending me painful messages because it had been twisted to the back. I definitely didn't look good at this state. I had no choice but to scare them when they see me. They would be rather shocked to see Kudou Youji looking like this, wouldn't they? A drug addict with a broken arm, bounded by hands and feet, shivering and trying to vomit, plus the bonus of five finger marks on the face. Oh don't forget the cheek that had just started to swell from Aya's punch. This was like nothing I had imagined, they shouldn't be seeing me like this, no... don't look at me. Must try to crack up some jokes when they get here, make my appearance something to be laughed at instead of something to be worried about. How much time do I have? Perhaps another half an hour before they get here... come on Youji, where's your sense of humour, you must think of some good jokes...

* * *

_BOOM_

_Aya! Get down and stay still!_

_Need help with European history?_

_No more freaking red kidney beans, please._

_There's only one Tokyo University in the world._

_Do you ever learn something with a different intention?_

_To have him put to death means we are no longer complete._

¡@

Boom.

... What was that?

Had I fallen asleep? For how long? I managed to fall asleep at this state? But then again, why not. Even with the sickness and pain I felt, I was tired enough to go to sleep. I could do it because I felt secure, even now.

It was a real explosion that I heard. It wasn't part of my dream. My friends had arrived and made their entrance.

Hold on, my man. They'll be here very soon. The girl got what she wanted through persistence. You can do it too.

"_I had that floppy disk since a long time ago and they still haven't given up yet. Neither should you._"

"_... to us he is still a part of Weiss and to have him put to death means we are no longer complete._"

I let my jerking body relax and be enveloped in the faith that they would come for me soon, and drifted off to sleep again. A dreamless one.

Perhaps I was just silly, but it was always good to have someone to believe in.

At least I would die happy.

... Although the punk's words still rung in my head:

"_Yes, but life doesn't usually work that way._"

[onto part 12]


	13. Part 12

**When You Gonna Learn**

Part Twelve

Omi took the dark long jacket with the cross straps on the arms from Youji's closet, studied it, hung it over his shoulder and closed the closet where the faint smell of Youji's cologne lingered. Even the jacket had this familiar scent. It was almost his signature cologne, because he would wear nothing else.

Youji called it 'rubbish psychology' and laughed when Omi suggested that if he could not be faithful to one woman then he could not be using just one cologne.

"We'll be there in twenty minutes - no, make it fifteen." Aya turned off the mobile phone and started the car when Omi got on, speeding through the dark, empty highways of daybreak Tokyo. Street lamps became flashes and lines of light flying past them, trees blurs of dark green, snow an endless white lace curtain that hung from the brightening sky.

He could barely see far ahead in such snowstorm, but he narrowed his eyes and drove on, nodding when Omi reminded him to be careful because if they crash then the Balinese was doomed. Youji. Youji was with them all along. He was working, alone in that dark little room, preparing the way for them, living in danger. And what did Aya repay him with?

"I punched him."

Omi blinked, then realised Aya had just spoken. "What?"

"I hit Youji when I saw him earlier. I called him a traitor." Aya bit his lip, making an abrupt turn to take a short cut. "I goddamn ran and punched him and he just stood there. That pale face bastard just let me hit him then he left without saying anything!"

_Why didn't you listen to yourself? You knew something, you saw in Youji's poor attempt to smirk that something was terribly wrong. You could tell from that ill face, from the way he walked, the way he dressed, everything. Why the hell did you think he was standing outside Kitten at that hour of the day? You just had to hold on to that unimportant pride of yours, hadn't you? Couldn't you put that down for a few minutes, for a friend who had saved you?_

"Aya-kun, he knows. Youji-kun's smart enough to know we all care." Omi sighed, carefully checking each dart in his coat. "This isn't the time for guilt."

Aya knew that. It was not the time for guilt or regret, but he just wished, just wished that he had stopped to think why he felt that way, to understand that he had been wrong, as a friend, as a teammate, to not give a helping hand when Youji needed it the most. Aya knew, all along, that he was the one to blame, but the failure to admit his own mistakes made him direct his anger towards Youji instead. Aya refused to believe in his friend, refused to listen to that little voice in his heart called faith...

"I didn't deserve it."

"What do you mean?"

"He saved me with his life. Why couldn't I be like you two and just - "

Omi held tight when Aya spun the car around to take another short cut, but his head banged against the window nonetheless. He rubbed his head with the heel of a hand as he spoke. "Aya-kun, the pain would go away, as long as there isn't a scar. I hope you didn't make Youji-kun's teeth fly out with the punch. He'd hate you for it if he couldn't play his playboy role anymore."

Aya managed a small smile. "No I didn't."

"But, to be serious, Youji-kun won't blame you. He left us like that to make us hate him and you just fell into his trap. You did the very thing he wanted. I don't know about Ken-kun, but as you know... I don't remember a thing of the past. I've been in Weiss since I can remember and to think Youji-kun isn't a part of us anymore is to deny my own living, because he was the one that said to me 'instead of clinging onto something you can't remember, why not treat it as your rebirth'.

"It might mean very little to you, but it was like somebody suddenly telling me that the past wasn't important anymore, because together we could create better memories for the future - corny, isn't it."

"_You... Youji-kun._"

_Omi almost saw the face of the men who surrounded him, all those years ago... then everything was gone, like the television had been switched off, there was nothing left but darkness. He lost count of how many times this had happened, but Youji was always there to catch him. He let his fallen body relax in Youji's arms just for a few moments, like a child cradled by his parent, and he wondered if his parents ever cared about him enough to hold him like that when he was a child._

"_You remembered something..._"_ Youji pulled off his sunglasses, looked worriedly at Omi's sweating face, then felt the forehead. No, there wasn't a fever. He put the boy onto the sofa and got him some coffee._

"_I can't remember. I can't remember... I almost saw some faces, but every time..._"

"_Let it go, Omi. Keep on thinking about it won't do you any good._"

"_But Youji-kun, everybody have memories. A person is shaped by his past, his experiences - things he achieved, things he failed, the people he met... I don't have any of it. Without memories, a person isn't complete..._"

_The mug felt warm against Omi's skin, and he held it until his fingers couldn't bare the heat anymore, then put his palms on his cheeks to warm his face up._

"_If you've forgotten, then you've forgotten, so don't be too harsh on yourself. Instead of clinging onto something you can't remember, why not treat it as your rebirth. Not many people get a second chance; most of us have something we want to forget. You're fine as you are, knowing what had happened before might change you in a negative way. You can't guarantee you had a better life before, and life isn't too bad now, is it?_"

"My point is, Aya-kun, he was one of the few people that made me Omi, along with you and Ken-kun. I had to believe in him. If I don't, I lose my battle with the past. But Youji-kun won't blame you, and there's always time to make up for things we've done wrong."

They found Ken outside a factory. It looked almost like a haunted castle in this weather, though the sky had started to brighten into a greyish pale blue as the snow continued to fall, determined to bury the land alive.

"Everything okay?"

Ken smiled and got his gloves from Aya's car along with the explosives, noting that Aya had taken most of what they had - he was prepared to make a good show out of this. Then he took off the usual sweater tied around his waist and tied Youji's jacket on instead. "They're expecting us, so we're walking into a lion's den."

"Only idiots do that." Omi looked up at the concrete building, loading his hunting bow with incredible speed. "But we're all idiots, stupid enough to let Youji-kun to do things on his own."

Aya took one step forward. "Let's show them what it means to anger us idiots."

* * *

His blood was boiling. His body tensed, doubled up to bring the knees towards the chest, and he tried to bite on his clothing, get anything to bite hard on, as if that would make it better. Then suddenly he was cold, beyond freezing, he could not move, could not even use the muscles to breathe. The suffocating feeling intensified, as if air was being pumped out of his body, and he tried to move, to hit his head against the wall, to do anything that would make him lose consciousness so that he did not have to feel all these.

Youji's empty stomach tried again and again to throw up. His hair was caked with sweat, stuck to his face, his lips, some in his mouth, in his eyes. The belts around his wrists and ankles refused to barge, cutting into his flesh, his broken arm once again warned him of further damage if it was not released soon. Youji could not sleep anymore, his body would not relax without a drug and the feeling of nausea, the sharp, heart clenching pains, and the apparent abrupt temperature changes tormented his tired body.

This was worse than he had ever been through. He had never been without heroin or methadone for so long, and though he knew about the side effects, he had chosen to use methadone to block away the withdrawal symptoms, just to get himself function for long enough to complete the mission. But now... there was nothing to get him going except the knowledge that he would soon be saved.

"_You think any of us will want to pick up your dead body?_"

"No..." Youji muttered to Aya's voice in his head, "I'm not gonna drift off like that... it's about teamwork now. Teamwork, baby... You know what teamwork is, Aya?"

The ground shook, then came the familiar smell of gas, of things being burnt, of flesh, of blood. Screams and shouts filtered their way into the locked room, but Youji was silent.

_Turn around get Aya down on the floor don't let him get hurt close your eyes feel the heat the blood the screams of death_

_BOOM_

No, this time they would protect him instead. Explosions, shots, promises of death, these were outside, just outside, not here in this room where peace and silence embraced him like he had never felt it before. His friends would protect him with their white wings... they were all winged beings...

* * *

This was it. The top floor. The boss was always at the top floor, by human nature that the powerful one wants to be above everyone else. The poison on the darts took effect and the men fell dead one by one. Those who dodged the darts met the cold flash of Aya's blade or Ken's sharp claws. Bloody bodies scattered around and they proceeded, avoiding the puddles of dirty blood, of still-warm flesh. Stepping on human remains could chill one out worse than killing a human.

Omi wished they could have gone for Youji first. They all wished. But Youji risked his life to find out who the Pope was, and they knew he would want them to finish that off first. They would not find him until Maiko Shirakawa was dead. This woman must die.

That fear stricken face was nothing unfamiliar to Weiss. The woman backed off, freezing when she had been cornered, and said one word. Mercy. Black tears ran from her eyes, her makeup melting together into two wet lines on her face.

No mercy. Not for what she had done to Youji . No targets would get away alive

"Who'll do it?" Ken whispered.

"I will." Aya lifted his blade. Light hit on the cold metal, shining like a white strip on his blood-splattered face. "Embrace repentance, and die."

* * *

"Youji!"

The wavy-haired man slowly opened an eye, blurred images gradually forming into the familiar outline of his friends. He could tell it was Ken so up close to his face because of the scent. Ken always smelled of baby powder, or that was the closet description Youji could give to the scent. Ken smelled of nice, hot showers, of baby powder, of everything sweet and comfortable, of _ home_. He was okay, closed skin, not bleeding anywhere. The dream was fake, so was Youji's life for the past eight months, but that did not matter, because they had came to fetch the kitten home.

"Sorry to make you wait." Not making any comments about Youji's looks, which was terrible beyond description, Ken began untying the belts around the limbs, gasping when Youji winced - there was a broken arm.

"...Last night you said you'd see me tomorrow. You're... right on time."

Waves of sickness hit Youji again, his gut twisting, his head getting too heavy to lift, urging him to switch off from reality. With every trace of strength he had left, he fought down the feeling. Not in front of his friends, not now. Dammit. He had not thought of any jokes, not in his current state. His must have left his sense of humour at home. His vision eventually sharpened, and he saw Omi crouching down beside him, not saying a word. The young man must be horrified to see him like this.

_Come on, say something... distract the attention..._

"...Omi, I've been wondering..."

"Yeah?" Omi helped Youji bring his arms forward again, not daring to touch near where it broke.

"Last time... did you give me CPR?"

"Yup, why?"

Youji tried to stand up. Not a good idea. His knees were like jelly. He fell, then someone grabbed him under the arms from behind to hold him up. Aya.

"... I guess it doesn't matter..." Youji wiped his lips with a hand, smirking. He hoped they did not see that he was trying to wipe away the acids he had thrown up. "But don't take advantage of me again... I know you're in that confusion period all the teenagers go through but next time... don't try things out on me. As much as you admire me... don't."

Omi laughed. Youji's attempt to sidetrack their attention was feeble, but he laughed anyway, because Youji wanted him to. With Aya supporting Youji, Ken untied the jacket around his waist, slipping it carefully on Youji. Then he took out the watch he had found in the dead woman, Maiko Shirakawa's room and put it back on for his friend. "Balinese, you should work in your gear. Don't even think about doing anything like this again."

Youji smiled that careless smile of his, gesturing 'got it' with his good hand. They were a sensitive bunch. Just like him. "Mission..."

"Accomplished." The rest of Weiss answered.

They fell silent again when Aya supported Youji's weight and limped their way out. The entire building was burning, but the heat was not a source of fear for Youji anymore. Not when he was not alone. The smoke had a strange, spicy smell. Dope. Youji inhaled deeply. They did not know, did they, about the heroin. Perhaps not. Would it be possible for them to never know? If he could quit without ever telling them...

Youji turned his head, studying Aya's expression. A calm one. Aya had not said much since they found him. Was something wrong? Did he get hurt? "Aya?"

"Um."

"... My face's... swollen. You'll have me if no women... wants me... You're responsible for it..."

"I know. And I won't force you into abortion, don't worry." A faint smile found its way to Aya's lips, and he realised he had just went along with Youji's joke, something he had never done before. He used to feel Youji's humour a waste of time, but now... he saw why Youji says what he says, and knew how to love his friend for being who he was.

Aya wanted to apologise. To say that he was sorry for not trusting, for hurting his friend, for everything, but somehow, he couldn't phrase it. He was never good with words, but he was going to try. Youji would understand. "I'm..."

Youji's arm slipped off from his shoulder. Aya grabbed harder around Youji's waist, wondering why the man suddenly got heavier. 'Youji?'

There was no reply.

[onto part 13]


	14. Part 13

**When You Gonna Learn**

Part Thirteen

I pushed the door gently, it let out a small squeak, got stuck, and I gave it a harder shove. It swung open, slamming against the wall, paint flaked off from it, falling onto me. The place was empty, not only of people, but it looked like it had been packed up.

"He's gone. On the run."

I turned around and recognised the woman as one of the people that lingered around here a lot. She offered me a cigarette and I gladly took it, letting her light it for me. On the run? Funny, I left just before him then. We both left for something better.

"Did he take the girl with him?"

"Looks like he did. Don't see her around anymore."

Well, at least someone knows the road to happiness, right? Whether they get away or not, they'd still die happy. That punk was a helluva lucky guy, coming to think about it. I could never again love a woman that much... never again. I couldn't help comparing every woman I met with Asuka, or as Aya said, hoping I would find another Asuka. What a fool.

I got away from the backstreets. I no longer needed to be here, I had a home again. Just before going home, I went to the doctors for a check up. The psychiatrist was rather puzzled by the sudden ending to my recurring nightmares, but I wasn't. I knew perfectly why it stopped.

I declined the methadone they offered me.

It might have seemed stupid, but I didn't want the side effects. My body was already feeling rather stuffed from all the medication, dope and whatever treatment I had, I didn't feel like having another chemical suppressing my nervous system further. Ever had an operation before? Know the feeling when the anaesthetic spreads inside you and everything goes numb? And how you feel rather wanky for a few days afterwards? That was a bit like how I felt. I could unhook without any help. I had the will; I could do it without those orange tablets. Perhaps I was setting myself a test, I didn't know, but I just wanted to see how tough Kudou Youji could be. I just wanted to know. If I could get through this without help from chemicals, then perhaps I could call it an end to what happened and move on.

"Youji-kun, you really shouldn't be moving around. Where did you go?"

"I broke an arm, not a leg, and I'm not handicapped." It looked like I wasn't needed in the shop. "I'm going back for a lie down."

"We'll fetch you for pizza yeah?"

"As long as I'm not paying." I grumbled, grabbing some cattelyas on my way out. A few flowers would liven up my home. In the end I never asked why they stocked the cattelyas, but there were some things that need not be spoken aloud.

"I will. Afterall, I didn't pay you back last time."

Omi remembered. How sweet. "I'll be asleep, just wake me up when you come."

Oh hell.

_Oh hell._

I bit on the pillow. When was the last time I had an injection? Two nights, three nights ago? Before my identity was exposed to the Shirakawa Cooperates, before the meeting where I found out who the Pope was. I had some that night.

I _need_ another one.

Everything hurt. Everything. Even my hair seemed to scream at me with each movement, my joints half stuck, feeling like rusted hinges when I tried to flex out. The sheets were already soaked with my sweat, then tears came for no reason. My body was out of control. It went into spasms despite the stiffness, it was cold even with the heating turned right high, it shook, it jerked even though it hurt to move. Saliva ran from my open lips, my jaws wouldn't close, my throat wouldn't swallow.

Oh man, when would this end?

I _need_ the stuff.

Shut up, you don't need it. You never needed it. Get a move on, my man.

My door opened. "Omi said you're tired so we ordered delivery instead. Wake up."

Oh no. That was Ken. He didn't see me like this did he?

"We'll wait for you outside."

No. He didn't see me from the door because I was buried in my sheets. I lost the strength to move. I tried to call out to say I would be there in a minute, but my jaws wouldn't work. I was on my bed, not in control of myself. I must get up. They are waiting... must kick away this goddamned withdrawal. I could smell garlic bread and pizza. In a few more minutes they would come in to get me up again...

Mental messages from my brain did nothing to my body. The spasms only intensified, and I felt myself hitting my head on the headboard of my bed. If only I could knock myself out. Tears stilled flowed, and like an idiot I was, twisting and turning on my own bed, wide awake, couldn't restrain my own body, mouth open, sweating... I need I need I need...

"Youji-kun! We aren't going to wait!" Omi's shout found its way into my room, once again I tried to answer, and nothing came but a low moan.

"Are you going to get up or not?"

Aya. No, just keep out of my room. Don't walk in here. No, don't come in!

"Oi." He pulled the blanket from me. "Wake up."

Shit. A blurring of red appeared before my eyes, I couldn't see properly with the water mist hung over my eyes, but I knew it was Aya. Who else would be red.

"...Youji, are you..."

As if to answer to that question, I jerked involuntarily, my head hitting on the board again, bang bang bang bang like an imbecile. This was the last thing I want, to let any of them see me this way... but I couldn't help it... damn...

"Youji!" He held me by the shoulders to try to stop me. 'Youji! What's wrong with you? Answer me!"

There was a rushing of feet. Aya's shouts brought Ken and Omi into the room as well. This is not good. I didn't intend to let things turn out this way. Shouldn't have told Omi to come and wake me. What are you going to do now Youji? They'll demand an answer and...

"Call Manx." Aya instructed the two, wrapping me in the blanket to prevent further movement that could hurt me and my casted arm. I just stared, water pouring from my eyes, some flowing to my lips, letting me taste the saltiness before escaping with my saliva, drenching the pillow.

By the time they got hold of Manx and demanded the answer from her, my body had worn itself out enough to stop. I gasped for air. Inhaled and inhaled and inhaled like I had been starved of oxygen as they watched me. You would never had imagined Kudou Youji this way. What are you feeling now? Concern? Shock? ...Disappointment? The kitten you got back home got hooked on the very same stuff that you set fire to, along with the production factory. There had to be some disappointment.

Aya slammed down the phone, glaring that cold-enough-to-kill glare at me. But it wasn't the way he looked that pained me, it was what he said. "I'm so disappointed in you."

See? I knew it.

"Why didn't you tell us. On heroin. And you didn't tell us?"

Ken and Omi's eyes went very wide, and Omi knelt a knee on my bed, coming closer to me. "On heroin?"

"Who do you think we are!" Aya pressed me down by my shoulders. Not that I was trying to move, I was too tired, too limp to do anything except lie flat on my bed. "You kept this from us?"

I... I just didn't want you to know. I couldn't even face myself being addicted, and I - okay, to tell you the truth, I didn't want to admit that I was hooked.

"Let us help you." Ken half knelt down beside me, smiling gently, his baby powder smell hitting me again.

"Ken..."

"If you consider us as friends, then you should let us know." Aya held my shoulders tighter, holding my gaze as well. "_That's_ why I was disappointed."

Oh.

"Now I know why you passed out last time. Youji-kun, sometimes I just can't believe how stupid you are. How did you think we'd react?"

Stupid me.

I must have forgotten how it felt to be with my friends again. My friends with their white wings... I should know by now.

I grinned. "I can smell pizza."

So let me put myself in their hands, knowing that I would be comforted, safe from all that could harm me.

"We did one of those 'choose your own topping' thing. Prawns, mushrooms, pepperoni, extra cheese - "

"No kidney beans I hope."

"Nah."

Love you guys. Hope you'll understand, though I'll never say it out loud. Some things don't need to be phrased into words.

"Kind enough to move the things in here to eat? I don't wanna move."

"Alright alright, lazy ass. By the way we're out of coffee."

"I'll get more."

And oh, thanks for the cattelyas.

[end]


End file.
